It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to impress a girl on the first date, where not to stick somebody else's meat, and what they're serving in Maine.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Arrested After Allegedly Doing Corvette Donuts in Church Parking Lot on First Date
I love this story. I probably shouldn't, and yet…
Florida Man and Woman were out on a first date, cruising around in his Corvette, when police couldn't help but notice them racing through several Charlotte County neighborhoods before settling down to do donuts in the Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses parking lot.
A witness said of the 'Vette, "It sounded like a car that was completely hot-rodded out. No mufflers, very, very loud." Another witness said the tires put out so much smoke, they could barely see the car. I bet they left some awesome skid marks, too.
The woman apologized to police and told them it was all her idea.
Florida Man is 28, and he has a souped-up Corvette and a brand-new girlfriend of questionable judgment who seems to be in it for the thrills.
One teensy little arrest aside, he is absolutely living his best life.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Way to Take the L, Domestic Bliss, and even though I shouldn't, a bonus point for Sheer Awesomeness. (4)
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
You Can't Fault His Taste
Florida Man stuffs steaks down pants at grocery store
Florida Man was doing a little grocery shoplifting at Kosher Kingdom in Aventura, and I honestly admire this guy's moxie.
He went straight for the best meats, taking ribeyes and what appears to be a roast or maybe a large package of flank steaks, and just shoving them right down his sweat pants.
A bottle of wine, too.
C'mon, fella — at least try to keep it within the realm of possibility.
Anyway, he got caught, confronted by employees outside the store, and took off running. Florida Man lost all his loot in the process, and remains on the lam.
Mmm, lamb.
Maybe next time.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Criminal Mastermind, Instant Karma, You Hid It WHERE? (4)
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: One Thousand, Four Hundred, and Eighteen Days
I Swear I'm Just Holding It for Whoever Threw It Out
Florida Woman tells police that pink box of meth came from dumpster diving
It was your typical Wednesday in The Villages, with Florida Woman dumpster diving with some guy she'd met on Facebook on Monday. Police pulled them over due to a broken license plate light and couldn't help but notice Florida Woman's little pink meth box.
She told police she found it dumpster diving and didn't know it had meth in it. Then she told them the box was hers but she didn't know it had meth in it. Facebook guy told police he didn't know where she got it, but that he'd have given it to her if he'd had found it dumpster diving because it was pink.
Isn't that sweet?
SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, The Villages, Getting Caught Stupidly, Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man caught with 81 gallons of moonshine in Alabama traffic stop
I'd have told them it was just my personal stash. And they might have believed me.
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman who "defecated toward officers" to avoid arrest arrested
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when you're running one of those classy massage parlors with a name like Emerald Coast Massage Parlor instead of that one a few years ago called Happy Yank Yank Massages when for whatever reason one of those health inspectors comes in but like for an actual health inspection so you start yelling at that guy to get out because there's no violations here swear to God but he's just standing there so you try shoving him out when for whatever reason the police show up and they're all trying to arrest you which is when you come up with this clever escape plan of pooping in their general direction but somehow that didn't work and they insisted on taking you in even though this is only the fourth time they've served a warrant on your classy massage parlor under four different totally classy names?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Went Viral, Assaulting a Cop, Angry Hooker (basically), Resisting Arrest, Public Nudity, Someone's Bottom Area, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (11)
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Wow, 11.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Good Samaritan stops Florida maniac attacking child with knife at school bus stop after jail release
Wow:
The DeLand Police Department arrested Florida Man, 36, on Tuesday after multiple witnesses reported seeing him grab a juvenile by the throat and later pull a folding knife during a confrontation with adults who stepped in, according to FOX 35 Orlando.
Witnesses told investigators that Florida Man approached a group of children waiting for a school bus and assaulted one child, prompting an adult bystander to intervene after seeing the juvenile escape.
During the confrontation, Florida Man allegedly pulled a knife from his sleeve and waved it toward others, leading the bystander to strike him with a toolbox and restrain him until officers arrived.
Fox35 Orlando located this week's Florida Hero, but he declined to be interviewed, saying he preferred to let the police body cam video do the speaking.
Whoever you are, we here at FMF salute you, sir.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Instant Karma, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 33 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: How Not to Become a TikTok Sensation
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 33 points for another high-scoring average of 6.6.
I'd also like to give a special thanks to Florida Masseuse for jerking up the average this week.
Meanwhile, in Maine...
Maine Man Busted for Stealing and Masturbating While Working as a Vendor in a Bangor Supermarket
This is exactly why I always say no to the free sample.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking — except for Kruiser, who is on the wagon this week. I guess that means I'm day-drinking for two. Yea!
