It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn where not to take your lawnmower out for a drug-fueled spin, why Planet Fitness isn't the place to do... any of that, really, and how Alabama Man became the new master of disguise.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for DUI on lawn mower along toll road
First, I'd like to thank literally everybody who sent me this story, which turned out to be literally everybody. You're all awesome. Thank you. Never change.
Most of us probably know that we're not supposed to drive our lawnmowers on the toll road, but if we do, please bring correct change.
Florida Man must have been in pure DGAF Mode because he not only took his lawnmower out on Suncoast Parkway, but he was driving it so erratically that there was no way the cops were going to let that slide. And instead of correct change, he had drug paraphernalia.
Police said he refused the field sobriety test and also "repeatedly cleared his throat, sniffed, and spit during the traffic stop."
Sounds like he went Full Hunter Biden.
Still, give some small credit to Florida Man, who seems to have understood he was way too messed up to drive a car. Or maybe he was so messed up he thought the lawnmower was a car.
Who can tell? Who wants to?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Where a Credit Card Thief Can Be a Credit Card Thief
Chuck E. Cheese mascot arrested in Florida for credit card fraud. pic.twitter.com/eBZuPWl7p4
— Open Source Intel (@Osint613) July 24, 2025
Chuck E. Cheese mascot arrested on three felony charges at birthday party
You hardly ever see this happen anymore, but Florida Man entertaining a kids' birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese was arrested right there in front of the kids — and in costume — and charged with "theft of credit card, criminal use of personal identification information and fraudulent use of a credit card more than two times within six months."
Which, when you put it all together like that, might be as bad as the pizza.
Police were able to ID Florida Man after he used a customer's stolen credit card, which easily led them back to the Chuck E. Cheese.
"One commenter took to the police department's social media to say her children were 'still crying' after seeing the mascot arrested."
Once again, thanks to everyone who sent me this story, which was everyone.
SCORE: Went Viral, Getting Caught Stupidly, Caught on Video, Master of Disguise, and a rare Demerit to the police for not waiting until the birthday party was over.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Don't Miss This Week's Essay: Hey, Kids — Let's Talk About Genocide!
Burnin' for You
Florida Woman arrested for setting boyfriend’s car on fire
I might have dated Florida Woman in the early '90s:
Bradenton police were called to the scene Monday, where they found a Nissan Altima engulfed in flames, parked next to an apartment that was close to catching fire.
Witnesses told police that they saw Florida Woman near the car at the time of the incident. She told officers the car belonged to her boyfriend, and they lived together in the apartment.
She denied setting the car on fire, according to police, but later changed her story. Police said she told them she threw a lit cigarette near the car, but then claimed she doused herself and the car in cooking oil and set it on fire.
If I didn't date her, I'm 90% certain I dated her spiritual sister.
SCORE: Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly, Domestic Bliss, Police Bodycam, Probation Violation, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: TSA busts Florida Woman trying to smuggle turtles in her bra through security checkpoint at MIA
Can't we bring anything on board a plane in our bras these days?
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Naked Florida Man hides in tanning bed after trying to set gym on fire
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when you're really amped up and nobody should ask why you're so amped up because maybe you didn't get like that in a strictly legal way and so anyway you feel like you should really get in a workout when you have this much energy right there at Planet Fitness but the girl running the place is all like "you're acting erratically" and "you have to leave now because we're closing soon" and "why are you taking your clothes off" so you're running around the gym "wearing nothing but confidence" like the news report put it and you ought to see my confidence if you know what I mean but all these Planet Fitness people are chasing you around for whatever reason so you crawl up into the ceiling and try and hide in the bathroom but you get pretty bored in there so you try and start a fire but that's not working so you run around some more and figure the tanning bed is a good place to hide because people get naked in those all the time when the cops show up and they're all like arresting you and stuff so you give them a fake name but they can't get over you being the naked guy who tried to set fire to stuff and now you're sitting in jail instead of getting that workout.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Surveillance Video, Public Nudity, Hide & Seek, Tanning Bed (new!), Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
'You gotta get this child': Woman chases down suspect who kidnapped boy selling water on street
Florida Kidnapper Woman abducted a nine-year-old boy right off the street in Jacksonville, shoved him in her car, and drove off.
Shameika Dowell was having none of that:
"I'm like, 'Are you serious?,'" Dowell recalled to local NBC affiliate WJAX. "I'm looking at someone snatch one of our kids and pulling them in the car. It was a 'think fast Meika, move quick. You gotta get this child, move quick.'"
Dowell hopped in her car and chased down Florida Kidnapper Woman. Eventually Dowell caught up to the suspect and cornered her in, she told the TV station.
She ran up to the suspect vehicle and started kicking the passenger door until it opened. Dowell pulled out the boy and his cooler.
Cops arrested Florida Kidnapper Woman and returned the boy back to his family. Post Miranda, Florida Kidnapper Woman said she was on her "crazy medicine" at the time of the incident.
I don't know if "crazy medicine" is the drug Florida Kidnapper Woman is supposed to take or a drug nobody is supposed to take, but the important thing is the boy is OK — thanks to Florida Woman Shameika Dowell.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Shameika. The Law & Crime report called her a good Samaritan, but this was so much more than that.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Did WHAT With His Prized Lamborghini?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for a much better than average of 6.
Meanwhile, in Alabama...
Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? A person is wanted after breaking into a Quick Stop liquor store in Alabama dressed in a Scooby-Doo costume and a ski mask.
— FOX26 News (@KMPHFOX26) June 27, 2025
MORE: https://t.co/zYir54dizu
(Photo: Tuscaloosa Police Department) pic.twitter.com/zHKq8FlLAs
Rut-roh! A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Cam Edwards at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
