It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have enough firearms to invade New Jersey, how to avoid prison with this one weird trick, and California Man's not-so-excellent ski vacation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Ever get bored during your felony battery and firearms possession trial, cut off your ankle monitor, and leave? No? Just Florida Man then.
Earlier this month, during a break for his trial involving a 2022 shooting at the Mermaids Lounge (great name), Florida Man did just that and promptly disappeared. The trial went on without him — the show must go on — and the jury found him guilty. Whatever the sentence is, they'll have to catch him (again) first.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Breakout, Out on Bond, Élan, Chutzpah, Houdini, and a bonus point for somehow pulling it off.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
It's tough to pull off Élan and Chutzpah at the same time, but this is Florida Man.
That's Gonna Leave a Mark
Florida Man shoots himself in scheme to win over coworker, police say
The headline is bad enough, but the details are worse.
Florida Man faked a mugging so he could shoot himself in the gut to get sympathy from a female coworker he'd been stalking.
Police never found the suspect, but they did find a gun matching the caliber he'd shot himself with in his car that he'd tried to park outside the viewing angle of the surveillance cameras at his workplace parking lot.
Desperate, stupid, and shot in the gut is no way to go through life, son.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Surveillance Video, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Houthis, China, and Us: The Great Game on the High Seas
She Did What Now?
Florida Woman charged with selling human bones on Facebook Marketplace
Ever get busted selling human parts on Facebook? No? Just Florida Woman then.
NBC News reported, "The Orange City Police Department has been investigating the case since 2023 after a report was filed alleging Wicked Wonderland's Facebook page advertised human bones for sale."
"Police then spoke with co-owner Other Florida Woman, 33, who told them the shop had been selling human remains for several years but was unaware that it was illegal."
They knew it was icky, though, right?
According to police, these were Florida Woman's wares:
- Two human skull fragments ($90 total)
- Human clavicle and scapula ($90)
- Human rib ($35)
- Human vertebrae ($35)
- Partial human skull ($600)
Maybe I'm in the wrong line of work.
Anyway, Florida Woman later claimed the bones were educational models that "can be sold legally in Florida, according to state law."
That's a funny thing to suddenly know when previously the claim was ignorance.
SCORE: Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly, Chutzpah ("$600 and skull isn't even complete? You're robbing me here!"), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for exposing himself in Dunkin’ drive-thru line
New Jersey, Man
Florida Man allegedly brought multiple weapons, including booby-trapped rifle, on Amtrak train in NJ
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you gotta go to New Jersey which is nothing like Florida so you gotta loaded for bear which is why you packed your bags with a few things you might need particularly if you gotta take Amtrak and I don't mean some fancy Acela line so you got your bag with some silencers and a Girsan Regard MC handgun with a fully loaded 18-round magazine and an AR mag with .223 rifle rounds plus a couple boxes of 9 and four more boxes of .223 all ready to go and your black Zastava Arms AK-47 with a round in the chamber ready to go and a few more mags just for it because this is JERSEY when some cops start bugging you about your ticket which isn't even for the train you're waiting for so you tell them some story about the wrong train and how you're getting it all sorted out and they're all like "OK cool" but then a little while later they come back because they say you got some kind of weapons charge out on you which is total BS and when they search your bag they find your booby-trapped gun and you shoulda seen the looks on their faces when that thing went off and now you got some real firearms charges but this is JERSEY man.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Tactical Gear, Way to Take the L, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Gets His Stolen Ram TRX Back Himself
Florida Man's truck was stolen, but the police were of no help.
So...
...he started searching for information about where his truck might be. Randomly looking at Facebook Marketplace didn’t net any real leads, but then luck smiled on him when he received a notification that an additional 800 miles has been logged on the TRX’s odometer, he told WSVN.
Even though the thieves disabled the factory GPS tracker, the Ram still sent that key notification to the man. Armed with that, he started looking at cities about that far away, checking Facebook Marketplace again.
That’s when he found his stolen truck listed for sale near Nashville, Tennessee. Digging further, he discovered the seller had ads for quite a few other vehicles, with the strong possibility they were all stolen.
Looking through those listings, he noticed that in several of them a house was in the background.
A little more sleuthing, Florida Man was able to geolocate the house, the thief, and get his truck back.
Exit quote: "The guy apparently has been bit by the bug, because he’s now helping other people who have had their cars stolen."
Nice.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, another for catching the bad guy, and one more for finding a cool new career.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Voted 'Best-Dressed Drunk in the Applebee's Parking Lot'
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4 — same as last week, I believe.
Meanwhile, in California...
Haley Joel Osment was arrested at a California ski resort and charged with public intoxication and possession of a controlled substance. Prior to his arrest, he attempted to board a ski lift with his helmet on backward — and without skis or a snowboard → https://t.co/bZx7kKk9lE pic.twitter.com/zCw8tmEJTH
— CONSEQUENCE (@consequence) April 17, 2025
I Want to Party With You, Cowboy
A proper country would have pinned a medal on Haley, not arrested him.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
