It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have one NSFW former sheriff's deputy, the worst wrong number to dial, and a mystery woman's MRI gone horribly wrong.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Deputy crashes patrol car into another vehicle while watching pr0n
A Lake County Sheriff’s deputy was watching pr0n in his cruiser, heading south on County Road 435 when "his body-worn camera captured the steering wheel airbag deploying after his department-issued cruiser crashed into the back of another car," and I'm finding it impossible to stop laughing.
This is exactly why they call pr0n "not safe for work."
Folks, I feel bad enough when I glance down too long at the CarPlay screen to skip to the next song. But Florida Deputy was watching pr0n on his phone when he rear-ended another car, got out, and said, "Hello, ma’am. Are you OK? I’m so sorry" to the other driver.
Reports do not indicate if he was walking funny.
The deputy later resigned. Honor is not dead.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Bodycam, Public Nudity (kinda...), Instant Karma, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, Way to Take the L.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Poop and Run
Florida Woman relieves herself on Family Dollar store floor as man steals $500 of cleaning products
A magician uses all kinds of misdirections — exaggerated hand motions, a funny quip, a flashy prop — to keep audiences from noticing the hand that's making the magic happen. Shoplifters are known to use similar techniques to avoid scrutiny, like carrying a bag big enough to block the shopkeeper's view, stealing when the store is super-busy with other customers, or living in California.
Or have your partner in crime poop on the floor while you steal $500 worth of cleaning supplies, ironically enough.
It worked, too.
While he was gathering the cleaning supplies, deputies say a woman distracted employees by using the store’s floor as her restroom. Deputies noted that an employee had to clean up the mess she made.
The couple left the store in a white van, according to PCSO.
In a post on social media, the sheriff’s office stated, "If you recognize ‘Mr. Clean’ or ‘Ms. Dookie’, or you have information regarding this investigation, please contact Detective Hannon at 863-499-2400 or [email protected]."
Please contact PCSO if you have any information, but wash your hands after.
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Public Nudity, Someone's Bottom Area, Criminal Mastermind, Dollar General.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
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Sorry, Wrong Number
Florida Woman arrested after accidentally texting sheriff’s dept. instead of drug dealer
Which is riskier? Adding your drug dealer to your contacts where it might be discovered in a search or take a chance on misdialing?
Turns out it's the latter. Florida Woman texted her dealer for some fentanyl but dialed a deputy by mistake. They were happy to play along. She "went to a gas station to meet the man she thought was a dealer. Instead, she met several investigators of the BCSO Special Investigations Division."
She's charged with "Unlawful Use of a Two-Way Communication Device, Possession of Drug Paraphernalia, and Driving while License Suspended/Revoked with Knowledge."
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Impersonation (by the police this time!), Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Tried Sticking His ‘Little Florida Man’ in Horse’s Nose
No. Just no.
Grand Theft Mower
You know what I hate?
You know how there's this Home Depot in Palm Coast where you maybe kinda regularly steal stuff so you go there to steal a lawnmower because you really dig those things even though you don't have a lawn or anything and while you're there you figure why not steal two lawnmowers because YOLO and maybe you can mow that lawn you don't have twice as fast but then some punk employee confronts you in the parking lot even though you're pushing those lawnmowers real casual so you take off running and they must've called the police because after you hid in this gas station parking lot the cops are there waiting for you and the Home Depot security guys know your face already so you give the cops a fake name because you've got warrants but they're not buying it and now you're up on grand theft and trespassing and providing a false name and probation violation and they haven't even turned you over to those other counties yet where you got a warrant?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Hide & Seek, Probation Violation, Recidivism, Outstanding Warrant(s), Impersonation.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man Is Bitten by a Bear Cub While Saving His Dog from Attack: 'I Couldn't Let Her Die'
Just watch the video because it does a better job than I could of telling the story. But don't forget this line: "For Blake Sprout, his first priority was making sure his children didn't lose their beloved pet during the holiday season."
SCORE: Good Dog, Dangerous Wildlife, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Blake Sprout, super-dad and super-dog-owner.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He's Suing Because He Got High on the Stuff He Bought to Get High On
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4
Solid work this week, Florida Man & Woman.
Meanwhile, Somewhere in an Undisclosed Location...
Woman left with horrific injuries after sex toy ‘dragged through body’ during nightmare MRI scan
You don't even want to know all the details, so let's just say that just because a "toy" meant to be inserted into an exit says "100% silicone" doesn't mean it doesn't have a metallic core that an MRI scan would cause it to be pulled "through the patient’s rectum and up into their chest cavity at the speed of sound."
They're lucky to be alive, and I've said too much, haven't I?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
