It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the frivolous lawsuit to beat all frivolous lawsuits, how not to hit on a cop, and what not to do on a flight from San Francisco to the Philippines.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man sues ‘Galaxy Gas’ distributors and sellers over dangerous highs
Have you ever bought a Honda because you were looking for an unexciting but reliable vehicle with excellent gas mileage but then it turned out to be unexciting and reliable and had excellent gas mileage, so you had to sue Honda for millions of dollars?
Of course not. But this is Florida Man. And his high-priced lawyer.
And because it's Florida Man, we aren't talking about a nice Honda but about getting high nitrous.
Vape shops in Florida — surprise! — sell Galaxy Gas nitrous oxide to people who want to get high on nitrous oxide. It's supposed to be used for making whipped cream and stuff and there's a warning label (what was I just saying about warning labels?) telling people not to use it to get high.
But c'mon.
Anyway, Florida Man got himself an anti-Big Tobacco lawyer to sue Galaxy Gas and five eastern Broward smoke shops because the product did exactly what he bought it to do.
This is exactly why we can't have nice things anymore. Or even naughty things.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol and a record-setting three bonus points for Chutzpah.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Trust Me, I'm a Fed
Florida Man arrested for impersonating CIA operative — with a trove of weapons in his car
Maybe the life of an independent HVAC contractor wasn't quite as exciting as Florida Man hoped it would be. At least that's my guess after he decked out his Ford truck like an emergency vehicle, loaded it up with a small war's worth of firearms and tactical gear, equipped himself with enough fake IDs to annoy every bouncer in Miami, and claimed to be a CIA agent and/or MI-6 and/or vanilla "Federal."
Ever tried to pull off the "undercover CIA" look while driving an F-150 festooned with a cop-style paint job and a bunch of emergency lights? Me either, but I bet it's fun.
He also had a dog in the back and a woman in the front passenger seat "waving her arms, appearing upset or distressed." That's what got the attention of a state trooper.
This is my favorite bit:
The trooper took a closer look at the IDs Florida Man handed over, and immediately became skeptical, the report states. For starters, Florida Man was wearing a skullcap in the ID photos, which the trooper knew was prohibited for law enforcement IDs, it contends. Further, the format and design of the IDs “didn’t match known… federal standards,” and “instead of a badge, a challenge coin was affixed."
The report didn't indicate whether the trooper had his own challenge coin and if he then had to buy Florida Man a drink.
SCORE: Impersonation (times three!), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Great Unmanning of Britain
Make Out All Right
Florida Woman Flashes Hooters Top, Calls Cop ‘Daddy’ In an Attempt to Flirt Her Way Out of DUI
Even the edited version of the video — complete with plenty of f-bombs — tells almost the whole story. Although it does leave out the part where Florida Woman was pulled over because police saw her stopping at green lights and hitting multiple curbs before insisting she hadn't been driving at all.
That's some night she had and a body cam video that will get played at every party at that station from now until eternity.
Exit quote: "Why are you doing this to me? You know I'm drunk."
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Went Viral, Police Bodycam, Public Nudity, and for the first time ever we have both Should Have Taken the L and Way to Take the L in the same story — now that's what I call drunk.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Allegedly Stabs Sister Over Spilled Milk Dispute
A Probing Report
Florida Man claims alien abduction after nude carjacking attempt with knife
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're trying to have a perfectly nice New Year's Eve party with some friends when suddenly you're abducted by aliens and they strip you naked and you don't even know what they did to you up there in their spaceship because they probably have one of those memory eraser lights and you don't even want to know anyway but then they're nice enough to put you right back where they abducted you from except they forgot your clothes which means you've got to get out of there but it's cool because you have this knife on you even though you don't know where that came from either so you're going to carjack your buddy's car but first you've got to carve some stuff into the paint and then your buddy finally comes out and you tell him with the knife you need the keys so he runs inside and you go back to carving stuff in the car and slashing the tires and for whatever reason the cops show up and now you're naked in jail and hope there's no more probing.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Lake Worth 'town hero' holding fundraiser for victims of lithium-ion battery home fireNot many tales of heroism begin with a golf cart, but this is Florida, man:
Monaco was riding his golf cart around the Wilton Trails neighborhood in Lake Worth Monday when he noticed a home was covered in smoke and flames.
WPTV first told you about the fire when a lithium-ion battery from a vape pen burst into flames. The house belongs to Kayla Ogilbee who had tenants living in the home.
After seeing the flames, Monaco immediately ran towards the house. He said his first thought was to act quickly.
“Once I realized the fire was from the back, I ran to the back and I found a potted plant, and I took the big potted plant and they had a pool, thankfully,” Monaco said. “I just scooped the water from the pool and I started throwing it on the fire.”
More: “His quick action literally saved my home and my tenant's dog and all of their stuff,” Ogilbee said.
He saved a dog.
SCORE: Scooter/Golf Cart plus three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness and another for the dog who I'm sure must be a good boy or girl.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Should I just add Good Dog as a new category?
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Take the Gator and Run
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for an impressive average of 6.
Meanwhile, Somewhere Over the Pacific...
Those business-class upgrades aren't what they used to be.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
