It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we have the snake that didn't bite, a one-man crime wave, and Colorado Man's impeccable Woody Allen impersonation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Snake-chasing social media influencer hospitalized after bite in Florida
I don't usually mention real names here on Florida Man Friday, but DAVID ORIN is a social media personality whose four million followers enjoy watching DAVID ORIN do stupid stuff on his DAVID ORIN channels on YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok.
DAVID ORIN was out with his crew doing his usual snake-grabbing routine when a diamondback rattlesnake he hadn't noticed bit his leg. "Well, I’m cooked," he said on video.
“I’m about to lose my ability to walk, so let’s get back to the car,” DAVID ORIN said to his “herpers” who help him out. “I’m scared I’m going to die, but hopefully not.”
As of New Year's Eve, he was still at UF Health Shands Hospital in Gainesville, where they've treated DAVID ORIN with "50 vials of antivenom, countless fluids, medications, treatments, and procedures."
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Élan, Dangerous Wildlife, Went Viral, Instant Karma, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and a bonus point for DAVID ORIN.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Independence New Year's Day
Florida Man arrested on New Year's Day for throwing lit fireworks at patrol car
Florida Man spent a brief part of New Year's Day morning throwing lit Black Cats at a police officer in a parked cruiser, and then he spent the rest of New Year's Day in jail. He was having a good old time, throwing Ladyfingers out of his truck, including at the cruiser as he drove past. Florida Man apologized as soon as he was pulled over.
While I don't advocate throwing anything at the police, much less tiny explosive devices, I must add that my best childhood friend Kevin K. and I used to shoot bottle rockets at one another out of "guns" we made out of steel pipes. We'd also see who could hold the greatest number of Black Cat Ladyfingers in their open palm.
So Florida Man getting an aggravated assault charge does seem like a bit much.
There's also this line from the story that seems like way too much: "Troopers also said the fireworks were clearly labeled 'WARNING – EXPLOSIVE.'"
Oh, noes! Explosivey fireworks! The exact same kind I used to set off IN MY HAND.
Seriously, don't throw fireworks (or anything else) at the cops because that's asking for it. But maybe the cops and the press could stand to lighten up a bit, too.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING? and I'm giving the police officer a first-ever bonus point for Just Relax Already.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Recommended: Seattle Set Minimum Wage Over $20 and You'll Totally Believe What Happened Next
Hey Man, Nice Shot
Florida Man shoots off own finger, arrested after attempted first-degree murder
Before we get to this report's various absurdities, the guy who got shot four times is expected to make a full recovery. Florida Man's ego, however, might never recover.
You know when you're in the country illegally, and you have an ugly breakup with your girlfriend, so you break into her house to have a calm discussion and also maybe shoot her new guy — which you do, the previously mentioned four times — but then also somehow manage to shoot off your own ring finger? So you drop the gun and take off running to hide in some nearby trees where the police find you?
No?
Just Florida Man, then.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, Fleeing, Hide & Seek, Instant Karma, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida police warn residents to avoid loose monkeys spotted roaming 3 communities
"Loose monkeys" conjures all kinds of unpleasantness.
Alone Again. Naturally.
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when you're all hopped up on meth and you steal one of those cool UTV because YOLO and you're racing that around until you crash it but you're not done joyriding and there's this sweet-looking Jeep right there so you steal that too and you're racing that around until you crash that one too so you take off running and you don't even know why but suddenly the cops are all up in your stuff and that's before they even find out that you don't have a drivers license and you're all like "you don't need a license for a stolen car" but by then they're right back up in your stuff about all the drugs and paraphernalia you've got and now instead of alone you're stuck in this stupid jail cell with a bunch of losers.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Suspended License, Crime Spree, Fleeing, Face/Neck Tattoos, and while the story doesn't say, I'm going to take a wild stab and add Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Ever just want to slap Gilbert O'Sullivan out of it?
Florida Man Flashback
FLORIDA MAN REPRESENTS -- GATOR IN A LIQUOR STORE.pic.twitter.com/pz6TBlIZAv
— Citizen Free Press (@CitizenFreePres) January 3, 2025
Florida Man can’t remember carrying an alligator into a liquor store
It was a strangely quiet week for Florida Man, so I thought I'd conclude this week with a Florida Man Flashback to 2018 when he couldn't remember going on a drunken run through his local liquor store carrying an alligator.
As one does.
Three choice quotes:
- “This store sells some good liquor, and I drank a lot of it that night.”
- "I don't even remember coming up here."
- "What I did was stupid, and I'll be facing some charges here soon."
I want to party with you, cowboy.
And while I probably shouldn't score a flashback story... what the hell.
SCORE: Went Viral, Drugs/Alcohol, Dangerous Wildlife, Élan, Surveillance Video, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: My Mind Was Blown by His New High Score
So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a New Year's Expectation-Setting Average of 5.6.
I like 2025 already.
Meanwhile, Here in Colorado...
Bank robbery fail: suspect hands Colorado teller a note, but handwriting can't be deciphered
He did the Woody Allen thing. He actually did the Woody Allen thing:
Loveland police say a man walked into the First National Bank, located at 750 North Lincoln Avenue, and handed the teller a note. His handwriting was allegedly almost completely illegible, and the teller had a hard time reading it.
While the teller was struggling to read the note, the man reportedly got frustrated and quickly left the bank.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
