Florida Man Friday: My Mind Was Blown by His New High Score

Deputy Responding to Domestic Charged by Florida Man Who Tried for His Gun

This week's lead story from Key Largo has it all. 

A deputy responding to a domestic disturbance found Florida Man beating an adult woman who hasn't been ID'd. Getting arrested apparently wasn't on Florida Man's agenda because, instead of going peacefully, he punched the deputy and tried to snag the deputy's pistol. When that didn't work, he took off on foot, got tased (but it didn't work), stole the police cruiser, forced another car over, stole that car after forcing the driver out, flipped that car after rear-ending another car, and ended up in jail after a brief visit to Mariners Hospital in Tavernier.  

Florida Man is charged with false imprisonment, domestic violence by strangulation, attempted murder, resisting arrest, grand theft auto, fleeing and eluding, impersonating a law enforcement officer, burglary of an emergency vehicle and resident’s vehicle, carjacking, leaving the scene of a crash, possession of a firearm/ammunition by a felon, and driving with a suspended driver’s license.

Oh my.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Fleeing, Tasered, Vehicular Madness, Stolen Police Car, Suspended License, Recidivism, Impersonation, Instant Karma, Should Have Taken the L.

TOTAL: That is a record-blasting 12 FMF Points, ladies and gents.

Backseat Driver or Whatever

48-year old Bruce Wayne Hylton of Groveland was #ArrestedByThePolkCountySheriffsOffice on Saturday, December 7th.

Just before 3:00pm that day, the Lyft company contacted the PCSO and reported that one of their drivers was in a very, very uncomfortable situation in the area of… pic.twitter.com/E7EE3okEEj

— Polk County Sheriff 🚔 Grady Judd (@PolkCoSheriff) December 11, 2024

Lyft driver hears "strange noise" — finds Florida Nan naked in the back seat

Instead of making small talk with your Lyft driver, do you ever strip off all your clothes and start playing with yourself instead?

No? Just Florida Man, then:

The 48-year-old gentleman was wearing clothes when he entered the car last weekend in broad daylight, but 10 miles later, he "was sitting on the back seat, sans shirt, pants, and undies," said the Polk County Sheriff's Office, via the Independent. "The driver told (him) to stop what he was doing."

It's not clear where the man was originally headed, but he ended up in a police car after the Lyft driver phoned him in. "The Lyft company contacted the PCSO and reported that one of their drivers was in a very, very uncomfortable situation," posted the police, who arrested the passenger, charging him with "exposure of sexual organs."

Florida Man explained that he "got a little naked" because "a feeling" made him do it.

Maybe he was just really excited about where he was going.

SCORE: Public Nudity, Likely Story, Went Viral, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Drone Scare (But Were Afraid to Look Up and See)

Grumpy Old Florida Men

Florida Man attacked after revving engine of his Corvette

Riddle me this, Batman: What do they call a 72-year-old Corvette driver in The Villages?

Answer: "Young'un."

Silly jokes aside, two Villages men had some kind of longstanding feud going on. Older Florida Man, age 72, decided to rev the engine in front of Younger Florida Man's (age 63) house as "a sort-of brag," as he put it later.

Younger Florida Man — a stout 6'5" and 290 — didn't take kindly to that and later drove down to Older Florida Man's house and knocked him down over his motorcycle. Older Florida Man has had multiple back surgeries and had to go to the hospital to make sure various rods hadn't gotten knocked out of place. 

How many fast vehicles does Older Florida Man have, anyway?

I'm only 55, have had zero back surgeries, and still wouldn't mess with a guy who's 6'5" and 290. Tim Walz, I'd happily slap around all day. But that's probably why there's no Minnesota Man Friday.

SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, The Elderly, The Villages, and a bonus point for Knock It Off You Two.

RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man turns his backyard to winter wonderland for his dogs

Even Florida Dogs love snow. 

Bad Santa

Florida Man dressed as a naughty Santa Claus loses police in a high-speed motorcycle chase.

You know what I love?

You know how sometimes you gotta dress up like Santa and go cruising around on your motorcycle because there's no funner way to zoom through traffic real fast this time of year than with a Santa suit on because the kids are all like "so that's how Santa gets to every house in one night!" and you're just flying down the highway weaving through all those stupid slow cars but then you're all like "crap!" because a cop car starts flashing his lights at you hit the throttle and you're doing like 120 and but you can't shake him so you pull off the highway and weave through these gas pumps to slow him down and the next thing he knows you're back on the highway doing 120 again and he's got no clue where you went and four days later the cops still have no idea who you are or where you are.

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, don't you love that, too?

SCORE: Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Dashcam Video, Houdini, and a bonus point for Impersonation of Billy Preston — "Let the bad guy win every once in a while."

RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points. 

Grand Old Party

Florida Couple caught having ‘loud sex’ atop a huge elephant sculpture

So there's this life-size herd of elephant sculptures called "Great Elephant Migration" on display in Miami Beach. Naturally, when a couple sees two or three dozen life-size elephant sculptures of various sizes, the first thing they think of is how to climb up on one and have it.

A source told Page Six that "a security guard heard strange noises and went over with his flashlight to investigate. Apparently, he saw a couple on top of one of the big elephants! We do not know how they got up there.”

Where there's a will, my friend.

Anyway, the guard was sympathetic and shooed the couple off instead of calling the police, which is a shame, really, because I'd kill to see the mugshots. 

The elephants were last on display in New York's Meatpacking District, so maybe the couple just got lost. 

SCORE: Went Viral, Dangerous Wildlife (heh), Public Nudity, Someone's Bottom Area, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 31 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Just Ban All the Cars Already

So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 31 points for a year-ending, near-blowout average of 6.2.

Way to wrap up 2024, Florida Man. 

(I couldn't find a suitable "Heroes Don't Always Wear Capes" story, but hopefully, it will return next week.)

Meanwhile, Somewhere in the Friendly Skies...

Passenger furious over being forced to give up first class Delta seat — for a dog: ‘Nothing they can do’ https://t.co/grlzVCGu1f pic.twitter.com/PVHufVkKe7

— New York Post (@nypost) December 21, 2024

Everybody here knows how much I love dogs, particularly my rescue girl, Remy. But I'd wager a bottle of Bowmore 15 that wasn't a trained service dog — just one of those emotional support critters.

I love those, too. But they don't deserve the special treatment that service dogs do get and should get. And their owners ought to be ashamed of themselves.

And so should Delta. 

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Five O'Clock Somewhere returns on Monday.