It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we have the man who really missed the Checkers drive-thru, how not to order sex on the beach, and Virginia Man shoplifting in front of 50 cops.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man tries to escape through drainage pipe amid helicopter pursuit
This one pretty much has everything except for Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones.
Florida Man was minding his own business a couple of weeks ago, stealing a chainsaw and some other lawn items from a stranger's garage. Well, the homeowner showed up and chased Florida Man out. He took off in the truck he'd loaded the chainsaw, weedeater, and other assorted goodies into.
Happens all the time, right?
Not what happened next.
The homeowner didn't just call the police. He gave them a description of the truck, the license plate number, and even a description of Florida Man.
A deputy spotted the truck nearby and flashed his lights. Florida Man jumped out and took off running. Pretty soon, the whole area was flooded with police. He tried hiding in a wooded area, but when the police helicopter spotted him, Florida Man crawled into a drainage culvert.
Here's the thing about the culvert. There's one way in and one way out and no death-defying waterfall leap to be seen anywhere. I'm told Florida isn't big on waterfalls.
Police were waiting for Florida Man when he emerged on the other side. He's up on a whole host of charges, and — surprise! — he's already a convicted felon.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Water Hazard, Fleeing, Hide & Seek, The Inevitable Helicopter, Probation Violation (new!), Recidivism.
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Nice start to the week, Florida Man — here's a towel.
The Girl with the Golden Gun
Florida Woman who wanted to be clown jailed for entering Australia with 24-carat golden gun
So Florida Woman decided to attend clown school in Australia (really) and also decided to bring along a 24k gold-plated pistol with her to the land Down Under "for her protection."
When asked by the customs officers at the airport if she was carrying any prohibited items with her, she said she was not and when asked about the gun she claimed she forgot about it, the court was told during a previous hearing.
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” Florida Woman responded when officers asked: “What about the gun in your bag?”
However, her phone’s search history revealed she had researched on the internet about “can I have a gun in my suitcase?” and even set a calendar prompt in her phone to remind her to “put gun in suitcase.”
She also told the court that she was scared to fire it and likely would just pistol-whip a would-be assailant.
Something in this story doesn't add up.
Are Australian clown schools worth all the travel and related expenses? Are they doing advanced boomerang gags that American clown schools aren't equipped to teach? Is there unique comedy inherent in the didgeridoo? Maybe it's the Vegemite.
I have to know.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Gray Swans, Regime Collapse, and the Kremlin
(Not Quite) Sex on the Beach
Florida Man savaged in bloody hatchet attack after being tied up with promise of kinky sex on beach
Florida Man got "odd vibes" from the 18-year-old woman promising to tie him up. But he went ahead with it anyway.
Then her "friend" showed up, and things got weird. Most of the sordid details you need are right there in the headline, except for the ironic "Unexpectedly!"
And this bit:
The attack is said to have taken place in Ormond-by-the-Sea, Florida, with the victim leaving behind a trail of blood after running down a road to wave down a deputy on Wednesday night. According to an arrest affidavit from the Volusia County Sheriff’s Office the man was described as shirtless and 'frantic' while yelling at passing cars.
I would imagine so, yes.
Meanwhile, an Ormond Beach police officer is said to have found the assailant's vehicle during a traffic stop in the region of South Yonge Street and Division Avenue, according to the sheriff’s office. According to reports there was 'blood on the vehicle.'
Look, I'm not saying that every time someone is promised kinky beach sex from a stranger online it's going to end in assault and robbery, but that's certainly the way to bet.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Public Nudity, Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man exposes himself in public after asking woman to take his picture
Thank You, Drive Through
Florida Man Steals Rolls-Royce Cullinan, Police Say, Then Crashes into Checkers
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you wonder how funny or cool it would be to show up at a Checkers drive-thru in some really sweet like the kind of car whose owner wouldn't be caught dead in a drive-thru even if they put that Grey Poupon stuff on their burgers and anyway that's what you're wondering when you see this Rolls Royce Cullinan in the valet lot at the Lauderdale beach Hilton so you're all like "YOLO let's do this because those burgers are so good" so you snag the fob and you take off in that Rolls which is easily the sweetest ride you've ever been in and you're cruising down to Checkers but then something goes wrong and instead of going through the drive-thru you drive right into the building and you're all like "how'd that happen do the Brits brake on the right or something?" but you can't worry about that right now because you've got outstanding warrants in Broward so you take off running but the police dogs sniff you out and now you're sitting in jail facing up to 30 years with no Rolls and no burger and no fries.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, Drive-Thru Mayhem, Instant Karma, Outstanding Warrant(s), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
The headline tells the whole story but watch the video, too.
SCORE: Three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to rookie Deputy John Howes, a bonus point for literally crawling over broken glass, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? to the dead guy for bringing a knife to a gunfight.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Fled From the Police with a Cop in the Backseat
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4.
Meanwhile, in Virginia...
Virginia Man arrested for shoplifting during “Shop With A Cop” event at Walmart
"'A member of the staff at Walmart came up to us and informed us they had a shoplifting in progress,' Chesterfield County Police Lt. James Lamb said. 'Between the sheriff's department and police officers, we had about 50 uniformed personnel at the store.'"
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Five O'Clock Somewhere returns on Monday.
