It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have Florida Man's worst-ever impersonation of Danny Trejo's "Machete," the worst-ever getaway vehicle, and Colorado Man's worst-ever everything.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested after allegedly attacking victim with machete: 'I don't wanna go back to jail'
Florida Man was apparently having some trust issues with his live-in boyfriend and was caught going through his text messages. Florida Boyfriend confronted him about it, and Florida Man calmly replied by grabbing a machete and punching Florida Boyfriend in the face.
Then there was some stabbing, at first with the machete and then with a knife from the kitchen after Florida Boyfriend grabbed the machete. Authorities said that Florida Boyfriend locked himself in the bathroom and called 911 as Florida Man yelled from outside the door: "Tell them you got into an accident. I don't wanna go back to jail."
I've found that an excellent way not to go back to jail is to not stab people. And I imagine that when you show up at the hospital with multiple stab wounds, they probably don't buy the accident excuse.
Florida Man fled the scene, but police quickly caught him. Florida Boyfriend is going to be OK and, no, you may not read his text messages.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot, Fleeing, Outstanding Warrant(s).
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
U-Haul, I-Haul, We-All-Haul
Florida Man In Allegedly Stolen U-Haul Crashes Into Police Car
Maybe the most important lesson I've learned from writing Florida Man Friday all of these years is that, if you want to commit to a life of crime, anonymity is your friend.
Is your car full of drugs and weapons you're no longer allowed to carry? Drive the speed limit. Do it sober. Use your turn indicators. Robbing a convenience store? Wear a mask and don't rob one featured on America's Funniest Surveillance Videos of Robbers Getting Shot by Convenience Store Clerks. And so on.
Or... hear me out on this one... why not just steal a big orange and white U-Haul then drive it like a madman after robbing a Boost Mobile? That's sure to work.
NARRATOR: It did not, in fact, work.
Florida Man's perfect came to a crashing halt, literally, when he ran his stolen U-Haul into a police cruiser.
This was just a month after his arrest for carjacking. Mostly I wonder what quick get-away vehicle he tried to carjack, and I'm thinking it was probably a Weinermobile.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Police Chase, Caught on Video, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: California, Broke, Might Finally Be Ready to Go Full Socialist
Sorry, Ma'am, But I'm Not Authorized to Shoot You at This Time
Florida Woman accused of flipping off deputies while driving erratically on the grass
Some days you have to stand up and salute a police officer for showing restraint nearly beyond the call of duty.
For example, when Florida Woman has been driving like a mad woman (and not always on the road), flipping you off, almost hitting a deer, and then after she stops the car and gets out, she comes right at you screaming "I hate police!" and then when you're finally getting the cuffs on her she insists that you just shoot her...
...you must be awfully tempted to oblige her.
But no. Florida Cop kept it holstered, took in Florida Woman, and booked her on pretty much all the charges.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Police Chase, Resisting, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man picks up shark with his bare hands and walks it like a dog
'I Feel Threatened!'
You know what I hate?
So you know how you can totally legally declare yourself a citizen of the world or a sovereign citizen like we call it on Reddit and then you can put diplomatic plates you got from the internet on your car and drive however you want or park wherever you want and I think you don't even have to pay taxes which is like a huge boost for my singing career and you can like me on Facebook so anyway you're making a left at one of those Right Turn Only signs which you can do with the diplomatic plates you made yourself but then some stupid cop pulls you over anyway and you're all like "you don't have jurisdiction over me" after you show him your passport and your boyfriend is telling the cop "I feel threatened" which is supposed to make them stop whatever they're doing but instead they drag you right out of the car and next thing you know your sovereign butt is sitting in a jail cell.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Master of Disguise, Likely Story, Resisting, Recidivism, Caught on Video, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Time to Disembark, Pal!
Passenger arrested after disturbance on Philadelphia-bound flight from Tampa
Details are still sketchy, but what we do know is that some anonymous badass took the initiative to subdue and remove an unruly passenger before things got further out of hand.
We don't even know if the Hero of Flight 2506 is Florida Man. But this week, he is at least an honorary Florida Man.
If he wins in November, maybe Trump could appoint this guy as his Border Enforcement Czar.
SCORE: A record-tying 5 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Run, Run, Run 'Til the Cops Took the Motorcycle Away
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 25 points for an impressive average of 5 points per story.
Five by five, we read you loud and clear, Florida Man.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Every week, when I'm looking for the "Meanwhile in..." story, I always start the search with "Colorado Man." As a Colorado Man writing about Florida Man, it would be unfair for me to do anything else. And Colorado Man rarely disappoints:
He's accused of having masturbated in front of several coffee shop windows in full view of customers and employees dating back to July 2023.
When officers began reviewing digital evidence collected at Masalta's residence, they discovered evidence of additional felony crimes.
I'm begging you — pleading down on my knees with you — not to click the link and read what other deviant crimes Colorado Man is accused of, particularly if you shopped at the Safeway located at 1426 East Harmony Road in Fort Collins during the months of December and January.
Please don't.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
