Presidentish Joe Biden’s heavily weaponized IRS, having just been given a huge budget increase and thousands of new penis flatteners for its agents to use during audits, has some dire news to share with millions of happy taxpaying Americans.
If the evil democracy-hating MAGA House Republicans don’t agree to Democats’ budget demands and avert a government shutdown, then the IRS will have to furlough an estimated 60,000 of its 90,000 employees just three days from now.
I haven’t wept like this since holding my newborn sons for the first time.
According to the Wall Street Journal, the mafioso in charge of the IRS believed the agency to be “shutdown-proof,” but federal officials at the Office of Management and Budget just ruled that the IRS may not “cover workers’ salaries during a shutdown with funds from President Biden’s landmark climate change, health care and tax law.” Instead, for the duration of the shutdown, IRS agents would be forced to find kittens to abuse on their own dime.
May lightning strike me down if I’ve ever said this before, but God bless those federal officials.
“The result,” the Journal reports, “will be a return to the backlogs at all levels of service that had begun to disappear in the last year.” Also, “no one will be working to process payments owed to the government by millions more.”
Wait. It gets better.
“Don’t overlook the impact on the employees or future recruitment efforts,” former IRS commissioner Charles Rettig warned via email. “Current and prospective IRS employees have numerous options for employment in other organizations not similarly impacted by a dysfunctional Congress.”
That’s quite the threat. The next thing the IRS will try to frighten me with is waiving my quarterly tax payments. Then they’ll tell me they’re sending a case of my favorite 15-year-old single-malt scotch by way of apology.
(It’s the Bowmore 15, gentle reader, should you ever feel the need to apologize to me for something, anything, too.)
To give you an idea of how the IRS currently spends its time and the money it extracts from you like Steve Martin’s dentist character from “Little Shop of Horrors,” Kiplinger told readers on Thursday that “the IRS has come under fire for recent significant missteps, like allegedly violating taxpayer rights in some instances, back-dating documents in a conservation easement tax case, and auditing Black taxpayers at higher rates.”
Abuse, fraud, and racism? Who do they think they are, Joe Biden?
Kiplinger also says that “the agency also recently couldn’t account for millions of backup tax records, according to the TIGTA (Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration), and mistakenly labeled living taxpayers as deceased.”
Not to fear. The IRS has never let a little thing like death prevent it from collecting its due.
The announcement leaves a few questions unanswered, including:
- Is there a way to get a government shutdown before the budget deadline?
- How about a shutdown even sooner than that?
- Could we shut this whole mess down retroactively, say back to 1904 or something like that?
This is a developing story, but as we await further details to emerge from Capitol Hill, I’ll leave our friends at the IRS with this closing thought.
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