Biden Wants to Build an 8,000-Mile Ocean Train, and I Say Let's Do This!

On today’s installment of “What the Hell Did Biden Actually Just Say?” we have the alleged president of the most powerful country in the world announcing his plan to build, and I quote, “a railroad from the Pacific all the way across the Indian Ocean.”

Seriously.

Those are his own words. This isn’t some Deep Fake video; it’s Presidentish Joe Biden speaking Wednesday night at the League of Conservation Voters’ annual Capital Dinner, whatever that is.

The icing on the Ocean Train cake is that massive solar farm in Angola that Biden is going to build just because those jerks next door in Namibia said it couldn’t be done.

Imagine the convenience and savings of boarding a train in Los Angeles bound for Honolulu, where you could spend the first night of your rail voyage stuffing your face with poi before heading off to your final destination: beautiful downtown Kochi, India.

Not that there isn’t a kink or two in Biden’s Ocean Train.

For example, it’s unclear which one of two possible methods for building an ocean train Biden’s plan envisions.

The first would require building an undersea tunnel for his Ocean Train, alá Donald Fagen’s classic solo song, “I.G.Y.”

On that train all graphite and glitter
Undersea by rail
Ninety minutes from New York to Paris
Well by seventy-six we’ll be A-OK

If Biden is going with the undersea tunnel method, I say we build that sumbich out of Plexiglass so that riders will enjoy all the benefits of high-speed undersea rail travel and a trip to the National Aquarium. All for the price of a single federally-subsidized ticket.

Or — and maybe this is the more exciting option — what if Biden’s scientists are hard at work at this very moment developing a typhoon-proof hover-rail that will thrill travelers with trains skimming barely above the ocean waves at 200 MPH?

ASIDE: What’s the deal with Democrats and 19th-century modes of transportation? It’s always bike trails or trains with these people as if we technologically peaked more than 150 years ago, and if you’d like to go places using anything other than your own foot power or someone else’s fixed route and schedule, then you’re some sort of planet-destroying crazy person.

Here’s something to ponder. How about we build a trunk line straight to Taipei, Taiwan? Do you think Comrade Xi, suddenly cowering under his fancy covers in Beijing, would dare mess with America once we demonstrate the ability to lay hover-rail track at will, right up to Communist China’s doorstep?

Not just no, but HELL NO. Thanks to Joe Biden’s Ocean Train, we’ve pretty much won Cold War II already. Take that, Reagan.

By the calculations of various helpful people on Twitter, Biden’s Ocean Train would run for around 8,000 miles — or more than two-and-a-half times the breadth of the United States.

ON THE OCEAN.

I say: Let’s do this. Can you imagine anything cooler than an 8,000-mile-long Ocean Train?

Well, aside, of course, from…