On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the man who lost his shirt (and everything else), the curious case of the one-armed drummer, and Colorado Man going full Home Alone.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Naked Florida Man From ‘Different Earth’ Arrested For Walking Around Palm Beach
I’d like to start by reminding you — as if you needed a reminder after seeing Florida Man’s mugshot — that it’s rarely the people you wouldn’t mind seeing naked in public who actually get naked in public. Not once in all these years has Emily Ratajkowski strolled nude across my front yard, despite all the well-lit and welcoming signs I’ve posted.
Anyway:
Last week Worth Avenue in Palm Beach, Florida was visited by an alien. Well, a naked man who said he was from a “different earth” anyway. On that earth, clothing is apparently optional.
Police were called to the upscale shopping and dining district by an employee at the Taboo restaurant. The naked man had just walked past the establishment with his genitals in full view of customers who were trying to enjoy their meal.
The restaurant is called Taboo and diners didn’t expect to see at least one set of genitals?
The Palm Beach Police Department was eventually able to identify the naked man as 44-year-old [Florida Man] of West Palm Beach. That wasn’t an easy task.
“Sir, may I see your ID? Sorry, dumb question.”
Florida Man told police he couldn’t remember where he’d left his clothes, something that only happened to me and my missing pants at a restaurant that one time back in 1990. (True story. But I’m not telling that one today.)
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn’t say, but c’mon), Impersonation (of a space alien), Resisting Arrest (with what, the report also doesn’t say), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
See Food, Take Food
Florida Man charged with stealing half million dollars worth of crab; pretended to be grocery worker
It’s the crime of the century, provided you’re really into crab legs:
Florida Man fraudulently represented himself as an employee from a national grocery corporation placing an order for seafood and convinced Artic Seafood to release $432,000 worth of Russian King Crab from a North Star Cold Facility.
Federal prosecutors said Florida Man claimed he was a representative of Safeway and had sent fake purchase orders to a California seafood company, KIRO reported.
I love you all so much that I did math on a Friday so you wouldn’t have to.
Buy me a drink if we ever meet, okay?
I just looked it up, and King Crab goes for $40 a pound at Costco.
At retail prices, Florida Man got away with approximately 10,800 pounds of crab. More, maybe much more, if he got quoted a wholesale price.
I wonder how much Zatarain’s Crab Boil is in his pantry.
Here’s the kicker: “Officials said Florida Man rented a Ryder truck to pick up the seafood, and despite the payments not going through, was able to take the expensive seafood from the facility.”
A guy from Florida shows up with a Ryder van in Washington State to pick up a few tons of seafood that nobody paid for and the people at North Star are like, “Seems legit.”
SCORE: 5 points for sheer Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Hysteria
Florida Man attacks one-armed drummer in an unprovoked assault
This story starts off awful enough but then it gets worse. Here’s the “awful enough” part:
Def Leppard’s Rick Allen, the drummer who lost his left arm in January 1985 after a horrific car accident the previous month, was apparently minding his own business outside the Four Seasons Hotel in Fort Lauderdale, Florida when a spring break bro rushed at him and knocked Rick to the floor.
A woman, playing Good Samaritan, tried to help Allen — who had been injured — but then Florida Man attacked her, too, eventually dragging her by her hair back outside the hotel. Florida Man then tried to flee but police caught up with him at a nearby hotel. He apparently smashed up a few cars along the way. Nobody has figured out a motive. I figure: drugs.
But here’s the worst part. The many charges filed against Florida Man for attacking Allen include “elder abuse.”
Rick Allen. Of Def Leppard. Elderly.
I’ve never felt so old in my life.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Drugs/Alcohol, Fleeing the Scene, Picking on Rick Allen You Dumb Bastard (new category, hopefully won’t get used much).
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: How to Lose the Entire Middle East With This 1 Weird Trick
How Not to Make Guacamole
Florida Woman allegedly assaults boyfriend with avocado in Florida senior community
Don’t do this:
Florida woman was arrested Sunday for hurling an avocado at her 68-year-old boyfriend at their home in a St. Petersburg community for seniors.
She was charged with battering a victim aged 65 or older, which is a felony in Florida, according to an arrest record obtained by The Smoking Gun.
The incident happened in a housing complex for residents aged 62 years and older, where the couple had been living together for a year and having “consensual sexual intercourse,” the report stated.
This might not surprise you, coming from someone who attacked her boyfriend with an avocado (and also a hanging rod, according to the report), but Florida Woman has prior convictions for illegal possession of Xanax, theft, DUI, obstructing police, probation violation, and driving without a license.
Still, if you’re an older guy looking for some action and your tastes tend towards the crazy, getting hit in the eye with an avocado screams “just another Sunday night” to me.
Also: I don’t know what’s up with that GIF, either. But when you do an image search for “guacamole GIF,” that lady is all over the results.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, The Elderly (I can’t believe this wasn’t already a category), Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Certainly Livened Up that Planning & Zoning Board Meeting
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
We only had four scored stories, which is a little disappointing. If I had to guess, Florida Man is lying low until Spring Break season passes. Even he can take only so much crazy.
Still, 18 points for an average of 4.5 is gold medal territory.
Thanks, Florida Man!
Meanwhile, in Colorado, They Just Rebooted ‘Home Alone’ and It’s Awful
Colorado Man Facing Charges After Setting Booby Traps
Whoa:
According to the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office, the victim was “conducting business” and had approached the front door of the house when he heard and felt a loud boom. When he looked down, he noticed a wire was caught around his lower leg and said there was “pain in his ear, and his vision was affected.” A man reportedly appeared from the garage at that time saying “no trespassing.” There was also a ‘No Trespassing’ sign posted on the house.
Turns out, Colorado Man had all kinds of booby traps set around his house — more details and photos at the link.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
