On this week’s Florida Man Friday, let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man used stolen rental car for DoorDash deliveries
From Meyer Lansky to Al Capone to Tony Montana, Florida has been the home, or part-time home, to some of the nation’s most entrepreneurial criminals. We might soon need to add one more gangster to the list.
This guy: “Florida Man is accused of using a rental car that was delinquent for nearly a year so he could use it in his capacity as a DoorDash delivery driver, authorities said.”
Imagine renting a Nissan Sentra — it happened to me once on accident — to make Door Dash deliveries for a year. Except the rental agreement expired almost a year ago. And it wasn’t until last week that Avis noticed one of their cars had been missing since last March and reported it stolen. Cops saw the California plates in a Chick-fil-a drive-thru, ran the number, and the rest was like busting Capone for tax avoidance.
I return a rental without filling up the tank quite all the way, and immediately they’re putting an extra $127 on my Amex for the gas.
Our would-be crime lord spent almost an entire year making deliveries using somebody else’s car.
The best part? Florida Man told police he’d planned to return the car in March, exactly a year after he was supposed to have returned it.
Maybe he misread the rental agreement.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: 5 bonus points for Chutzpa.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Make the Punishment Fit the… Wait, Wut?
Florida Man faces up to 30 years in jail for throwing water on brother
True story. At thirteen, maybe 14 years old, I made my friend Chris laugh so hard that enough milk shot out of his nose that it made him throw up.
That would probably be a death penalty case in Lee County, where Florida Man faces up to 30 years for pouring two glasses of water on his brother. Fifteen years per glass seems like a stiff sentence, but the law is the law.
The two men were arguing over a key lime pie when things got violent. I’m told this happens more often in Florida than in any other of the major key-lime focused states.
But as it turns out, pouring water on someone can be considered a “first-degree felony aggravated battery.” That’s a major charge. Complicating things, Florida Man is 64, but his older brother is 65. Florida law puts stiffer penalties on crimes against the elderly.
Even though no one was actually harmed.
If some ambitious prosecutor actually tries to make a name by taking this all the way to court, I hope they wake up one morning to find their underwear filled with hungry baby gators.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Stupid Law, Domestic Bliss, Water Hazard.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
The Not-So-Great Escape
Florida Man accused of leading police on chase that ended at his home
On the surface, this story seemed like one of those classic bad getaways I love so much. Crook gets caught doing something stupid, crook flees, crook gets caught in some even stupider way. In this case, by fleeing right back to his own home.
As it turns out, Florida Man was suffering from some kind of mental breakdown and was suicidal. Between that, his firearm, the road chase, the presence of a SWAT team… there were so many ways this could have gone so badly, and with one or more people dead.
But the police kept their cool and Florida Man seems to have kept something inside him sane enough to stay alive.
That’s a good start to a recovery, and here’s hoping Florida Man makes a complete one.
SCORE: 5 Sheer Awesomeness bonus points to everybody involved for keeping this one from becoming a tragedy.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Don Lemon: Why Won’t CNN Fire This Underperforming, Overpaid Jerk?
BONUS FOLLOW-UP STORY: Florida man arrested after attacking Instagram model in scary gym video.
While it was inspiring watching Florida Woman stand up for herself, it’s even better knowing police got the guy.
He’s Got a Bitchin’ Camaro Ford Truck
Florida Man doing donuts at intersection allegedly hits patrol car before crashing his own
Florida Man was minding his own business, doing donuts at an intersection on Hollywood Blvd in West Melbourne, when for no reason at all the police showed up and made him pull over.
Some people might take the L. If there’s a time to pull over, roll down the window, say “Sorry officer, I screwed up,” and hope to get away with a ticket, this was that time.
It was not Florida Man’s time.
He only “appeared to pull over when the officer conducted a traffic stop, but then put his car in reverse striking the patrol car and fleeing south on Hollywood Blvd.”
This next part will shock you — the part where Florida Man eventually lost control of his truck, crashed, was taken into custody, and charged with a whole lot of bad stuff.
He’s being held without bond because this ain’t New York City, Jack.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points.
Florida Man accused attempting to steal woman’s car while impersonating deputy
Florida Woman was driving through Panama City when a guy wearing a Bay County Sheriff’s t-shirt bumped into her car with his bike.
After pulling over, he started yelling at her and demanded her car keys because he was a deputy, and that’s what deputies do. Florida Woman wasn’t buying his act, probably because he was accusing her of using the wrong turn signal. Nobody in Florida uses a turn signal. They just drift around and God help you if you guess wrong which way they’ll drift next.
Anyway, Florida Woman flagged down a passing deputy who happened to be genuine, Florida Man fled on his bike, but was quickly apprehended.
Nobody seems to know how he got the shirt.
Exit Question: Did Florida Man wear the shirt hoping to commandeer someone’s car, get free meth from a dealer, double park, etc.?
SCORE: Impersonation (new category!), Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Florida Woman Gets Free Cookie, Goes on Armed Rampage
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories, 21 points, for an average of 4.2.
Solid effort, Florida Man.
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Texas Man falls asleep in stolen car after eating at Whataburger
He paid for the Whataburger with a stolen credit card, too.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
