Culture

Florida Man Friday: 99 Cans of Pabst on the Wall

(Screencap courtesy of ABC 3 News.)

I hate to get all philosophical at the start of a lighthearted Florida Man Friday, so I won’t.

But I do need to remind you briefly that Communists like to engage in “heightening the contradictions” in order to increase political power.

So how about “heightening the absurdity” in order to decrease political power?

That’s exactly what Florida Man did this week as you’ll see on another thrilling episode of…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Boxers, briefs, or fedora?

What hath Florida Man wrought? Is it a political protest? Fashion trend? Or is he cleverly heightening the absurdity of a political class that can’t seem to decide on much of anything, and when they do they rarely get it right?

YOU make the call!

And as one Twitter responder said, “Probably more effective than the cheap masks everyone is making and selling for 20 bucks a pop.”

Florida Woman Should Have Made a Left at Albuquerque

Florida Woman

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Woman charged in North Iowa for over $16,000 in stolen checks.

A few details:

Christina Noel Whitaker, 30 of Lantana, FL, is charged with ongoing criminal conduct and identity theft of over $10,000. She’s accused of going to four First Citizens Bank branches on December 12 and 13, 2019, and cashing eight stolen checks totaling $16,300. Authorities say Whitaker used the stolen identity of a bank customer and impersonated the account holder.

First Citizens Bank is headquartered in Mason City.

Whitaker was arrested in Ohio on an outstanding warrant and booked into the Cerro Gordo County Jail on Thursday morning. She’s being held on $50,000 bond.

I’ve spent some time in Ohio, and really liked everyone I met there.

However…

If I’m on the lam with $16,000 in stolen checks, they’re going to catch me in Vegas, not Ohio.

Polly Want the Hell Out of Here

Florida Man Friday with 200 Parrots

(Screencap courtesy of Fox 13.)

Florida man finds himself quarantined alone with 200 parrots: ‘no way to get out.’

This is just nuts:

Esmaeili owns and operates the Zaksee Parrot Sanctuary in Tampa, Florida, where he takes care of hundreds of rescued parrots, macaws, cockatoos, and other exotic birds. However, the sanctuary is surrounded on all sides by other properties, and the only path out winds through another tract whose owners recently placed locks on the gates — effectively trapping Esmaeili inside.

“I have absolutely no way to get out,” he told a local Fox affliliate.

Esmaeili says he also ran out of food for himself recently, but has been able to subsist on bananas and bamboo shoots that grow in the sanctuary, according to the Tampa Bay Times.

I hate it when that happens.

This Almost Makes Sense

Clearly you’ve been housebound too long if you found yourself nodding along with Florida Woman on this one.

Not that I was doing anything like that — no sir, no way.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida Man Rebuilds

(Image by Tumisu from Pixabay.)

Florida teen’s t-shirt line helps frontline heroes.

The story:

Tyler Zankl is a 17-year-old Boca Raton resident and student at Saint Andrew’s School. He’s also the owner of Living Lavish, a clothing brand that embraces the notion that it’s not how many material items or money you have but how you live your life and help the lives of others around you that really matters.

Even though frontline health workers during the coronavirus outbreak are being recognized and appreciated, Zankl considered his options as to how he could help.

“I was sitting at home with my dad when I thought about it,” he said. “Nurses, police officers and firefighters gave us a reason to give back to the people protecting us.”

You can find out more about the Lavish Hero Fund by clicking here.

What, No G-String on Florida Woman’s Head?

It isn’t that Florida Woman is necessarily wrong. It’s just that I don’t think “overrated” means what she thinks it means.

Typical Florida Man Headline

Florida Man Tased

(Pixabay)

Florida Man shot at cars along I-75 before standoff, gets tased.

Fortunately, no one was hurt while Florida Man enjoyed quite the busy night:

Deputies say the suspect rear-ended a vehicle just north of Bushnell and continued heading north on I-75. He then reportedly wrecked his vehicle at the guardrail where he engaged deputies in a standoff.

“The suspect began waving his gun, ultimately threw his weapon and took off again. A few hundred feet later the suspect wrecked for the third time, abandoned his vehicle, and fled on foot.”

Authorities say they tased the suspect and successfully took him into custody.

How you do all that and end up not getting shot is a testament to… something, but I can’t figure out exactly what.

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Wall

I’m not one of those reverse-snob hipsters who drink Pabst in the belief that it’s all cool and retro to be seen doing so.

In fact, I probably haven’t had a Pabst in 30 years.

But aren’t you intrigued by the 99 pack, and don’t you kind of want to buy one just to have it?

Heightening the Absurdities, Part II

Mesh-mask man goes to Walmart to protest Florida face mask law.

I will personally buy a bottle of good vodka or single malt scotch (your choice) for the first reader in Florida who sends me a pic of themselves wearing a Jason Voorhees hockey mask and outfit to a local Walmart.

Seriously.

Meanwhile, in South Dakota…

Colorado Man Arrested for Ingesting Cocaine and Pot

(Evidence photo courtesy of local authorities.)

Colorado Man arrested for transporting hemp sentenced for ingesting cocaine, pot.

Has anyone ever managed to swallow all their drugs without the police noticing?

And if so, was it worth it?

Meanwhile, in Louisiana…

If that sounds at all familiar, it’s because Florida Man pulled the exact same stunt back in May.

Hasn’t America had enough of this copycat crime madness?

I certainly hope not.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky…

3 arrests in 4 days equals 1 really bad week for Kentucky Man.

I suppose there are many ways to keep busy during the time of coronavirus, and Kentucky Man found three of them.

Do I really need to tell you that Florida Man has his work cut out for him if he’s going to reclaim his crown of glory from Kentucky Man?

Honestly, I’m so impressed with Kentucky Man right now that I wonder if Florida Man can do it in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Teach Me How to Fly Your Plane I’m About to Steal
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Machete-Tattooed Machete Attacker Exposed