Life was hard in the American West of old. Water could be scarce, infrastructure was non-existant, the natives were sometimes deadly, and the law could be hours or even days away. But hard times breed hard people, and the people who settled the West tamed the West. What was once a wild frontier soon grew into America’s economic engine of resource production and technological innovation.
Life can be hard in modern Florida, too. Think of the sweltering heat, streets built on top of sinkhole sands, Yankee immigrants who think they can wrestle alligators, and foreign tourists determined to cut in front of you in line at Hollywood Studios. And yet, Florida Man not only survives, but thrives. Could it be that Florida Man will stand at the forefront of the next great American Renaissance?
Let’s dig into the headlines and find out, on another exciting…
Florida Man Friday
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Martin Skelly, 41, of St. Petersburg was busted early Saturday after he reportedly showed up to a McDonald’s in Clearwater with a drug-filled needle.
Investigators found a 28-gauge needle on Skelly, and he was arrested on charges of possession of methamphetamine, The Smoking Gun reported, citing an arrest affidavit.
Police searched Skelly before he was booked at Pinellas County Jail.
It’s always in the last place you look, but I’m thinking I must be a horrible person for wondering if it was a two-man job to get to that guy’s belly button.
Quit Monkeying Around Up There
Police responded to reports of a man crawling around in the ceiling ducts of the Walmart and after verbal negotiations failed, tasers were used to subdue him. https://t.co/KANf6sLoSS
— DC⚡️101 (@DC101) November 22, 2019
The report says that Florida Man “was possibly dealing with mental health issues and/or appeared to be dealing with the effects of some substance.” I say, embrace the healing power of “and.” Florida Man “has not yet been identified and has not been charged with anything,” which makes me think maybe there was something more wrong than just a bad batch of bath salts.
I hope Florida Man Gets the help he needs. As for Florida Woman, she’s feeling friskier than usual, as you’re about to see.
He Asked Florida Woman If She Wanted to Grab a Bite…
Florida woman bites man multiple times on arm during date!https://t.co/fgKmThJJZE
— Dave&ChuckTheFreak (@DaveandChuck) November 19, 2019
Multiple times? I’m thinking after the second or third bite, I’d be asking the waiter to bring the check around, and maybe a tetanus shot.
Narrator: He Was Not Brad Pitt
According to police, they spotted the suspect ransacking a vehicle and going through the car’s center console.
When police approached and detained the suspect, the owner of the vehicle said he didn’t know the man and that he didn’t give him permission to be inside it.
Police said the man didn’t want to tell the officers his real name and proceeded to give them fake names, such as Brad Pitt, Nancy Pelosi, Marco Rubio and even Donald Trump.
When police questioned him, the man said he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
“Or?” As in, he couldn’t remember which?
By the way, police eventually were able to establish his true identity: Florida Man.
Florida Woman Will Have to Literally Stand Trial
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) November 16, 2019
The scene in my head is right out of one of Elmore Leonard’s more absurd novels.
This Is Only Cool When Led Zeppelin Does It
Based on the mugshot, this is definitely a “it seemed like a good idea at the time” kind of guy.
This Florida Woman Story Comes with a Three-Hanky Warning
Florida woman stunned by second $10k from Ellen DeGeneres for her planned animal rescue https://t.co/MYalabC2IP
— Ocala StarBanner (@OcalaStarBanner) November 20, 2019
Longtime readers know I’m a sucker for a good animal story, even in Florida, where the animals can be palmetto bugs the size of miniature poodles, or meth-addled alligators.
So isn’t this just lovely?
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regular Florida Man news…
Sportsmanship, Florida Man-Style
It is possible to completely understand this occurrence without endorsing it.
Winner: Least Likely Headline of All Time Award
What could one possibly add to that?
Drink Up, Florida Man
This isn't your typical tea-time. Rye, Amaro and Scrappy's Seville Orange Bitters – brought to life with a fragrant Black Tea syrup – is a new take on an afternoon ritual🍵
1 1/2 Rye
1/4 Amaro Montenegro
1/4 Black Tea Syrup
2 dashes Scrappy's Seville Orange Bitters pic.twitter.com/IqVpEapCnN
— Scrappy's Bitters (@ScrappysBitters) November 20, 2019
How good does that sound? Sort of a Florida variation on a Manhattan. Will make a couple this weekend and try to remember to report back to you.
Thanks, Florida Man!
Florida Man: Unlikely Legal Hero
This was a letter. Florida Man didn’t disrupt a legal proceeding or get in the judge’s face or anything like that. He just wrote a letter to a public servant in search of redress of grievances. The law is on Florida Man’s side this time, or at least it ought to be.
WELL, UBER DOESN’T TAKE CASH: Florida man accused of taking taxi to and from bank robbery.
Meanwhile, in Arkansas…
A headline like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting…