While recent experiments have provided incomplete, inconclusive, or even contradictory results, leading scientists still believe that it can’t really be Friday without Florida Man. Of course, all the leading scientists I know drink heavily, and they’re also actually just me, and I’m not a scientist.
But still, there must be worse ways to kick off the Veterans Day weekend than with a healthy dose of unhealthy activities, all presented to you in a cheerfully non-judgmental way on yet another…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida man asks police to remove mugshot from Facebook after theft, only for them to replace it with booking photohttps://t.co/HcPyO7Bqf5
— ❌Saltine American❌ CULT 45 TEXT TRUMP TO 88022 (@TheRealSusanA1) November 8, 2019
Cody Pierce wasn’t happy about his mugshot being posted on the DeSoto County Facebook page after police named him a suspect in the theft, so he took to the social media platform in hopes of getting the picture removed.
“Umm first off I have money and it’s all legit and it’s all accounted for I do not need to steal and I have a lawyer just for situations like this,” Pierce said in a message to local police. “Especially every thing me and my father have done for this area…now I would appreciate you removing my picture nor was in any part or connection.”
He added his lawyer was “hungry for a case of slander and defamation of character.”
The DeSoto County Sheriff’s Office responded on Facebook by telling Pierce they would happily remove his current mugshot and replace it with his booking photo if he decided to swing by their office.
“Cody, thanks for your response, our agency is glad you understand that we’re looking for you! If you would like to come-on by the Sheriff’s Office we will be glad to remove your current photo and replace it with your BOOKING PHOTO!”, police said.
Police everywhere have to deal with all sorts of crazies, weirdos, and people with various chemicals in their bloodstreams. Oftentimes the cops’ big concern is how to placate these folks just enough to make the workday go by a little easier or a little less dangerously.
And maybe sometimes — just sometimes — to get a little humor in.
This appears to be one of those cases, and hats off to the DeSoto County Sheriff’s Office for handling it with grace and humor.
Feeling better now, Florida Man?
Meth: Maybe Just This Once?
How many times do I have to tell people this? Shoot up or smoke your crack before you go into the courthouse. Sheesh.
Florida Man Breathes Sigh of Releif
For once, it isn't Florida man! https://t.co/THTL3HNLWN
— ABC7 Sarasota (@mysuncoast) November 8, 2019
What, the chicken is clearly wearing its seatbelt. Do you see a problem here?
And Now, Our First-Ever Chicken Story Twofer
I’ve learned enough about PTSD in recent years to give Florida Woman the benefit of the doubt on this one. I’d just ask that she not bring her emotional support chicken to the grocery store, because one look at the nuggets in the freezer aisle, and it’s the chicken who’s going to need some emotional support.
It Was a Million-to-One Shot, Doc, a Million-to-One
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Because I’m thinking: “Philips or flat-head?”
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Well Done, Florida Man
Florida man biking across the U.S. to raise awareness of pet therapyhttps://t.co/LDWr86txnw
— Beth Reese Cravey 🐘 (@BethReeseCravey) November 8, 2019
I love, love, love stories like this one. Hell, I’ve written stories like this one. I’m a dog owner (we currently have three), and a huge believer in pet therapy. Anyone who wants to raise money for that is OK in my book, and Florida Man just got his own page in it.
Actually, This Looks Like a Lot of Fun
— Jenny Moore (@JennyWriteMoore) November 8, 2019
The Sunshine State has been the inspiration for so much great literature; authors like Lauren Groff, Kristen Arnett, and Karen Russell have used the wild natural world of Florida’s swamps and beaches as inspiration for their fiction. But perhaps no one has captured the spirit of Florida quite like Florida Man. He alone is as untamed as the Everglades; he alone is as resilient as an alligator. Writers are students of life, and who but Florida Man can say they have truly lived? Use this list of Florida Man headlines to inspire some writing as weird as the state itself.
I’m no fiction writer, but my wife and several friends are. I’ll pass this along to them, and if they bite I’ll pass the results along to you.
Florida Woman Saves Her Family
Pregnant Florida woman uses AR-15 to fend off burglars attacking her familyhttps://t.co/ZlfeGuJ3hA
— Donna J ⭐⭐⭐ (@DonnaJ183) November 8, 2019
Brava, Florida Woman. Brava.
Florida Dog Saves Owner
I’ll say it again: I’m such a sucker for these stories.
Meanwhile, in New York…
New York Woman is lucky that’s all she got.
Myah Autry, 32, was arrested by cops near the Barclays Center in Brooklyn Wednesday evening, authorities said.
She was taken to the 52nd precinct, which covers the northern Bronx, and slapped with a criminal trespass charge for the stunt, police said.
Police were able to identify Autry after her wild zoo stunt when she posted photos and videos of herself inside the animal enclosures — including the lion’s den at the zoo.
A story out of New York like this one can mean but one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his Throne of Shame in time for the next exciting…
Florida Man Friday!
DISCLAIMER: No actual Floridians were harmed in the making of this news column, except for the ones who were.