In a bold move which will forever remove from mankind the stain of racism — and probably also cure poverty, disease, and war — home retailer Bed Bath & Beyond has pulled certain jack-o’-lanterns off its store shelves. Reports don’t make it quite clear whether the move was nationwide or just at the one particular location, but your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit was unable to find them for sale on the company’s website.
Can we start a hashtag to call bed ,bath, & beyond racist for getring rid of their black pumpkins?
— Just Another Mike (@Mike72881) October 23, 2019
See, these particular jack-o’-lanterns are painted black on the outside, in order to better contrast and show off a very cool orange glow from the inside when lit. And since we live in a deeply stupid age, someone decided that the glowing fake pumpkin carvings must be racist. This is an easy mistake to make if you happen to be brain damaged, or are a perennially pissed-off progressive permanently on the lookout for something to be peeved about. But I repeat myself.
The whole ball of stupid got rolling in Nyack, New York, where someone from a local law firm picked up a few of the nasty-evil-vile-racist-hater plastic pumpkins for office Halloween decorations. Local Westchester News 12 reported that “the jack-o’-lanterns upset some community members,” and so the law firm of Feerick, Nugent, MacCartney got rid of them. Then, following a vital news investigation into this horrific act of pure …[checks notes] holiday charm… Bed Bath & Beyond decided to stop selling them.
News 12 also reports, “Though they have been removed, both attorneys say they wonder why the decorations didn’t raise flags at Bed Bath & Beyond.” I dunno, because there’s nothing possibly racist about pretend light-up gourds?
Exactly how racist were the spooky decorations? So much so, according to law firm partner Mary Marzolla, that each partner had personalized one pumpkin each with their own names. Can you imagine the hate it must require to sign your name on …[checks notes]… a roundish hunk of illuminated plastic with a giant fake root sticking out of the top of it? Good on News 12 for publicizing this insensitive display of Literally Hitlerism.
I want you to pause for a moment before we get to the next paragraph, and savor the thought that the local NAACP felt the need to weigh in on the issue of what color goes into the plastic of particular holiday decorations.
Local NAACP Director Wilbur Aldridge, apparently never one to let a crisis go to waste, claimed that the brightly lit pumpkins showed an “extreme lack of sensitivity.” To what, law firms that didn’t try and cheer up the place during the depths of autumn?
No word yet on whether the SPLC will designate the Feerick, Nugent, MacCartney Law Offices as a hate group, but it’s probably only a matter of time.
I’d just add one last thing. If you see a black person in the carved face of a comical holiday decoration, you might just be the racist.
NOTE: Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s office did not respond to our query for a response to the ongoing crisis in nearby Nyack, New York.