Thank Goodness it’s Florida Man Friday.
It’s been a crazy week for regular news, and an even crazier-than-usual week for Florida Man and Florida Woman reports. Before we get to the good (?) stuff though, I have to thank at least 28 different people for sending me this week’s top story.
You know who you are, and while I wish I could thank each and every one of you by name, in this case you probably don’t want me to do that.
So without further delay, welcome to this week’s Florida Man Friday — now with extra weird™.
“But We’re Not in a Tent”; “That’s OK, That’s Not the Camel’s Nose”
— LaRadioNetwork (@LaRadioNetwork) September 23, 2019
What had happened was…
A Milton, Fla., couple, Gloria Lancaster, 68, and Edmond Lancaster, 73, were visiting the Tiger Truck Stop in Louisiana when their dog slipped his leash. The dog got into the truck stop’s camel enclosure — is this a Louisiana thing? — so Gloria, ignoring the warning signs, crawled under the barbed-wire fence to fetch her dog.
That’s when things got weird.
The camel, named Casper, somehow ended up sitting on the woman. A local deputy told The Advocate that “the camel has never been aggressive, the camel has never gotten out, never caused any issues. The deputy added that Gloria and Edmond told him, “we’ve been here before and we’ve never had any problems.” Perhaps Casper recognized the Lancasters and felt familiar enough with Gloria to sit on her face.
It was at this point that Gloria, probably fearing for her life with a 600-pound dromedary’s* nether regions practically crushing her skull, did the only thing someone in her unlikely position could do: She bit.
She bit hard enough, apparently, that Casper was given antibiotics as a precautionary measure. Gloria was treated at a local hospital. Both patients are reportedly just fine, except for the part where a woman had to bite a camel’s private bits, and a camel got his private bits bit.
The Lancasters were given a citation for violating a local leash law, but honestly, a small fine is the least of her worries. I mean, eventually they’re going to have to go back home and look their friends and family members in eye.
*For the sake of completeness and accuracy, I went to Tiger Truck Stop’s website to see if I could determine whether Casper was in fact a dromedary, or maybe a Bactrian camel. However, the website is down because rubberneckers like Yours Truly have busted Tiger’s bandwidth allocation. Go figure.
There But for the Grace of God Go I
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Sure, that’s a crazy story, but is it really Florida-level crazy?”
Oh my yes. The headline alone doesn’t do this one justice:
Crestview police said in a post on Facebook that Matthew Horace Jones is accused of breaking into a fenced-in area and using a forklift to cause more than $100,000 in damage. He faces grand theft felony and other charges.
Witnesses called 911 and police went to the site. The police report says Jones aimed the forklift toward officers, who stopped him at gunpoint.
Police quoted Jones as identifying himself as Alice in Wonderland, blaming the attack on “a hookah-smoking caterpillar” and saying that he had a problem with “building a place to sell alcohol.”
He might be against drinking, but I’m betting Jones is just fine with a few other things.
Crime of the Century of the Week
— CNN (@CNN) September 27, 2019
This story has me so worked up that from now on, every time I have a headache I’m going to check for bullet holes before taking any ibuprofen.
A Very Public Education
Florida man removed as middle school teacher after he identifies Trump as the 45th president, a Republican, real estate businessman and “idiot,” in a quiz. https://t.co/XxnGoEbF34 pic.twitter.com/GY99lLADFr
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) September 27, 2019
Don’t you hate it when Florida Man gets political?
What’s Worse Than Writing a Check in the 12-Items-Or-Less Lane?
Authorities are searching for a driver who rammed a woman’s car multiple times after apparently becoming upset that she was digging for change at a Florida toll booth.
Investigators pulled the vehicle registration from nearby cameras and tracked the car to a home in Tarpon Springs. Troopers say they couldn’t find the driver.
The victim told ABC Action News she feared for her life as the person in the Volkswagen Beetle rammed her car.
Exit Question: Who in their right mind tries to ram anything with a Beetle?
I Want to Be Florida Man When I Grow Up
A Real Tiger. https://t.co/vMqiBm9zQ1
— 107-3 The Eagle (@1073TheEagle) September 22, 2019
Clearwater, Murky Woman
Tampa Bay Times reports that Elizabeth Drayer, a retired lawyer and environmental activist, wants to “give nature a voice” by making a sea turtle mayor of Clearwater. Informed that no sea turtles met the conditions for holding office, Drayer tried to run under the name Sea Turtle. While Drayer was told she couldn’t use the name on the ballot unless she legally changed it, she will apparently sign an affidavit allowing her to run as “Elizabeth ‘Sea Turtle’ Drayer.”
Drayer says, “It sounds wacky, but it really isn’t.”
Totally normal for Clearwater.
Dust Allergy And/Or Sliced Onion Warning
Commissioners from all over Florida clean up Panama City woman's property https://t.co/DMgE9vMvPw
— Bryan Desloge (@desloge) September 26, 2019
Bad storm, excellent people.
Crime of the Century of the Week II
Don’t do that, mmkay?
WELL, THEY DIDN’T STAY STRANGERS FOR LONG: Strangers caught having sex in woman’s Key West yard
I’ve spent enough time on Key West to tell you that is about the least-weird thing you’ll see on Key West.
Everybody Needs a Hobby
News Brief: Only in Florida
It’s something in the breading, isn’t it?
“Florida Man Needs Lots of Potassium”
— Agatha Chocolats (@AgathaChocolats) September 26, 2019
Six, right on the nose.
Meanwhile, in South Korea…
Man Frames Octopus for Murder or Vice-Versa, Trial Ongoing in South Korea https://t.co/DClaB2p4le
— SoraNews24 (@RocketNews24En) September 27, 2019
I can’t wait to see how Florida Man tops this one next week. Let’s just hope that no more camels are harmed in the making of the next…