It isn’t Friday unless it’s Florida Man Friday. And you know what that means: Another week’s worth of chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills as we travel from the Panhandle all the way down to the Keys, putting inappropriate items in our pants, and then…
Sorry. I got carried away there for a minute. The humidity must be getting to me.
So without further ado, let us begin this week’s Florida Man Friday.
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I know what you’re thinking: This is probably just one of those routine Florida Woman things, where someone gets pulled over by the police, the police suspect them of being drunk or on drugs, and then sure enough it turns out that they have some kind of small living creature tucked into their pants.
Happens all the time. Really.
But, wait — there’s more!
Florida prosecutors say a Charlotte County sheriff’s deputy stopped a pickup truck in May after it ran a stop sign. The driver, 22-year-old driver Michael Clemons, told the deputy he and his 25-year-old passenger, Ariel Machan-Le Quire, were collecting frogs and snakes under an overpass. He gave the deputy permission to search bags in the truck.
When the deputy found 41 3-stripe turtles in a “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle” backpack, he asked if Machan-Le Quire had anything else. She pulled the 1-foot (0.3-meter) gator from her pants.
We’re going to give Machan-Le Quire bonus points for honesty, since it seems the deputy had no idea there might be something untoward going on in her pants. But I’m going to have to dock the Associated Press six points for unnecessary usage of the metric system. This ain’t France, pal — they pull cheese out of their pants over there.
After That Last Story, I’m Afraid of Where the Gun Might Eventually Turn Up
A Florida man says his gun was stolen during a sex party over the weekend, but he could not give deputies names of attendees because everyone wore masks. https://t.co/06fMHab2Ux
— News4JAX (@wjxt4) August 9, 2019
He could, however, provide descriptions of several partygoers from the waist down.
I denounce myself.
Moving right along…
Your Weekly Dose of Iguana Murder Madness
(Thank goodness for copy & paste, because the following paragraph gets longer every week.)
Six weeks ago I reported to you that Florida officials were urging residents to kill iguanas. Five weeks ago something akin to hilarity ensued when a pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter missed and accidentally shot a pool boy instead. Four weeks ago, PETA urged: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.” Three weeks ago we learned of the South Florida hot tub that became a ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas. Two weeks ago we learned that “This isn’t the wild west,” as Florida authorities clarified the state’s invasive iguana policy. Last week, “Judge Cicconetti orders man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did,” because bragging is wrong.
And this week?
They’re taking over your grocery stores, Florida Man. It’s time to step up your iguana-killing game.
Thunderdome, Daytona Beach-Style
Florida man allegedly attacks neighbors with roach spray, hits himself in head with nunchaku https://t.co/lKzrP7dWFo
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) August 15, 2019
Throw in a couple CGI man-sized roaches, and you’ve got a Sharktopus-quality SyFy movie in this report.
FWIW, I’ll take Sharktopus over Sharknado any day.
Florida Crime of the Century (This Week)
Ty Kelley reportedly stole a bottle of Barefoot Riesling, but true wine connoisseurs know that you always pair Carlo Rossi Burgundy with petty theft.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do/Crazy From the Heat: Medley
A Florida man was arrested and charged with criminal mischief after he used a front end loader to dump dirt on a car his girlfriend was driving.
Hunter Mills, 20, asked his girlfriend to meet him in Crestview to talk, according to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office.
After Mills asked his girlfriend a question and she refused to answer, he dumped “a bucket full of dirt on the roof of the driver side” of the 2010 Cadillac, which belonged to someone else.
Next time, sir, be a real man and just ghost her.
It’s Always in the Last Place You Look
Acasia Fuscaldo, 25, of Cocoa, was arrested on three felony charges of violating her probation, according to the sheriff’s office.
Fuscaldo has been arrested six times before on multiple charges of theft, burglary and grand theft, according to the sheriff’s office.
Deputies received a tip Saturday saying Fuscaldo could be found in a hotel.
When deputies entered her hotel room, they saw no one was inside but K-9 officer Kyra alerted deputies of Fuscaldo’s presence under the mattress and inside the supporting box spring, BCSO said.
Fuscaldo also faces a misdemeanor charge of sucking at hide and seek. The bed is pretty much the first place anyone looks.
Florida News in Brief
What is it with Florida Man and breaking into people’s homes naked? We just had one of these stories two weeks ago in the Naughty Napper Edition.
Meanwhile, in Louisiana…
Meth, not even one time:
Ashley Beth Rolland, 23, was accused on July 31 of stealing $5,000 from the apartment of a man she’d been staying with for about a week, according to documents published by the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office.
The man told the West Monroe Police Department that while he was showering, Rolland swiped his cash and left. Rolland allegedly confessed to police she did take the man’s money and left his apartment.
The documents said a female correctional officer later searched Rolland and, inside of Rolland’s vagina, discovered $6,233 along with “a clear plastic bag” of roughly one gram of meth — which Rolland denied was hers.
I have questions.
• Whose meth was it?
• How did it end up in your vagina?
• Since I’m going to have to assume you were aware of something inappropriate in your vagina, why did you leave it there?
I said I have questions. I did not say I want answers.
I do, however, fully expect Florida Woman and Florida Man to use the next week in the most unwise way possible, as they attempt to retake their crown from Louisiana Woman. So join us next week for another… I can’t seem to find an appropriate adjective to use here… edition of Florida Man Friday!