Look, up in the sky! Or sometimes down in the gutter! Or on that pony keg strapped to a scooter riding down a line of alligators!
It’s… Florida Man!
Join me again for more chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills as we chronicle another week of antics in the Sunshine State.
Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
A burglary suspect threw his own feces at a Miami judge. Then, the jury acquitted him.
If the defendant s**ts, you must acquit?
The excrement from Dorleans Philidor, 33, was aimed at but did not reach Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Lisa Walsh. Lawyers fled as county police officers and corrections officers swarmed the courtroom. “It’s protein! It’s good for you!” he yelled, according to witnesses. [Editor’s note: That’s not protein.]
The incident happened during the routine morning court calendar. [Editor’s note: It wasn’t routine.] No jurors were on hand yet.
Philidor was sitting in a wheelchair near Judge Walsh, who scrambled away as her bailiff yelled for her to run. He also ate some of the feces, witnesses said.
Maybe he was going for an insanity defense. But why would Florida Man bother, when he can always rely on the wisdom of Florida Jury?
Wedding Crashers II: 34 Bridesmaids for 34 Groomsmen, Ushers, Drunk Uncles & Parking Valets
Woman has 34 bridesmaids at her Florida wedding https://t.co/4qmY3O4psj
— WGN TV News (@WGNNews) June 24, 2019
Where were the parties like this when I was still young and single and handsome? Oh, right — we didn’t have everybody on the internet back then.
Yes, But It’s a Wet Heat
This man went on a rant about the heat here in Florida and if you have stepped outside, then you will definitely understand where he's coming from.😂🔥
STORY: https://t.co/ZZv6Nz1KFZ pic.twitter.com/6auyps7gp9
— WSVN 7 News (@wsvn) June 26, 2019
This is the most epic weather rant of all time, delivered as only Florida Man can. I’ve been there in summer and I do understand. So will you.
Crime of the Century, Florida Woman Style
Florida Woman doesn't pay for pepperoni pizza and vodka. Goes to jail instead. https://t.co/wUBr14ZVpE pic.twitter.com/6Rt2hVirjT
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) June 27, 2019
When I say crime, I’m not kidding. Who on God’s green earth pairs pepperoni pizza with vodka? It’s difficult to respect a criminal who has no idea how to stick a proper Sangiovese under their shirt.
NEWS IN BRIEF: Naked man running through Titusville Walmart parking lot arrested.
No further details were available when this story went to press, but “Florida Man,” “naked,” “arrested,” and “Walmart” is pretty much everything you need to know.
Video Or It Didn’t… Yep, It Happened
Florida Woman Caught Twerking While Shoplifting From Clothing Store.
The suspect remains at large.
When You Gotta, You Gotta
Last week it was pool floaties, this week it’s poop.
Florida Man Takes Off Shirt, Poops in Stranger’s Driveway.
If you see something, say something. In this case, say “eww.”
Florida Woman arrested & charged with burglary after breaking into abusive husbands apartment and surrendering his guns to police while husband sat in jail on domestic battery w/ deadly weapon charges. https://t.co/K65j1jhmUc pic.twitter.com/NNKda56Ka0
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) June 22, 2019
CAVEAT EMPTOR: Florida man thought he bought a villa, actually paid thousands for tiny 100-by-1 foot strip of land.
Meanwhile, in Ohio…
I’ve taken some heat from Florida natives who tell me that most of these Florida Man reports are from out-of-staters, usually from up north somewhere, who move down to Florida, go crazy from the heat — and make the natives look bad.
So with that in mind…
Police in Ohio said a man is facing charges after making up a story about being robbed to avoid telling his wife that he lost his wedding ring.https://t.co/NjTfe6qPbj pic.twitter.com/tRtNWz3LqJ
— 6 News (@WJACTV) June 27, 2019
Once the dust clears, I think we know who is going to escape his troubles by making a new start in Florida.
And that is why we will always have Florida Man.
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