It Isn't Friday Unless It's Florida Man Friday

It Isn't Friday Unless It's Florida Man Friday
(Mugshot of Dorleans Philidor, AKA the Pooping Bandit, courtesy of local authorities.)

Look, up in the sky! Or sometimes down in the gutter! Or on that pony keg strapped to a scooter riding down a line of alligators!

It’s… Florida Man!

Join me again for more chills, spills, and non-judgmental thrills as we chronicle another week of antics in the Sunshine State.

Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

A burglary suspect threw his own feces at a Miami judge. Then, the jury acquitted him.

If the defendant s**ts, you must acquit?

The excrement from Dorleans Philidor, 33, was aimed at but did not reach Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Lisa Walsh. Lawyers fled as county police officers and corrections officers swarmed the courtroom. “It’s protein! It’s good for you!” he yelled, according to witnesses. [Editor’s note: That’s not protein.]

The incident happened during the routine morning court calendar. [Editor’s note: It wasn’t routine.] No jurors were on hand yet.

Philidor was sitting in a wheelchair near Judge Walsh, who scrambled away as her bailiff yelled for her to run. He also ate some of the feces, witnesses said.

Maybe he was going for an insanity defense. But why would Florida Man bother, when he can always rely on the wisdom of Florida Jury?

Wedding Crashers II: 34 Bridesmaids for 34 Groomsmen, Ushers, Drunk Uncles & Parking Valets

Where were the parties like this when I was still young and single and handsome? Oh, right — we didn’t have everybody on the internet back then.

Yes, But It’s a Wet Heat

This is the most epic weather rant of all time, delivered as only Florida Man can. I’ve been there in summer and I do understand. So will you.

Crime of the Century, Florida Woman Style

When I say crime, I’m not kidding. Who on God’s green earth pairs pepperoni pizza with vodka? It’s difficult to respect a criminal who has no idea how to stick a proper Sangiovese under their shirt.

NEWS IN BRIEF: Naked man running through Titusville Walmart parking lot arrested.

No further details were available when this story went to press, but “Florida Man,” “naked,” “arrested,” and “Walmart” is pretty much everything you need to know.

Video Or It Didn’t… Yep, It Happened

Florida Woman Caught Twerking While Shoplifting From Clothing Store.

The suspect remains at large.

When You Gotta, You Gotta

Last week it was pool floaties, this week it’s poop.

Florida Man Takes Off Shirt, Poops in Stranger’s Driveway.

If you see something, say something. In this case, say “eww.”

It’s Complicated

CAVEAT EMPTOR: Florida man thought he bought a villa, actually paid thousands for tiny 100-by-1 foot strip of land.

Meanwhile, in Ohio…

I’ve taken some heat from Florida natives who tell me that most of these Florida Man reports are from out-of-staters, usually from up north somewhere, who move down to Florida, go crazy from the heat — and make the natives look bad.

So with that in mind…

Once the dust clears, I think we know who is going to escape his troubles by making a new start in Florida.

And that is why we will always have Florida Man.

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