Advanced Strategic Studies of Strategery

Assuming for a moment that Professor Ditherton Wiggleroom doesn’t take the phony cover just offered him by Russian President Vladimir Ballcutter, here’s how our Syrian strategy is shaping up:


The strike, as envisioned, would be limited in the number of targets and done within a day or two. It could be completed in one fell swoop with missiles, said one senior official familiar with the weapons involved. A smaller, follow-on strike could be launched if targets aren’t sufficiently damaged.

A second senior official, who has seen the most recent planning, offered this metaphor to describe such a strike: If Assad is eating Cheerios, we’re going to take away his spoon and give him a fork. Will that degrade his ability to eat Cheerios? Yes. Will it deter him? Maybe. But he’ll still be able to eat Cheerios.

Knowing the Assads, it will be a fork handcrafted by artisans of the finest Spanish silver. Which they will then jab into our eye. Because, hey, Spork Strategy.

This is the dumbest-ass crap I have heard in over 30 years of watching politics. You could give Joe Biden a brick of Black Cat fireworks, a roll of duct tape, and a box of puppies and he couldn’t come up with anything so stupid as “We’re going to make him eat Cheerios with a fork.”

There’s a decent chance that before today, the other world leaders — the ones who right or wrong kinda know what they’re doing — just thought of Wiggleroom as a talkative naif. But now they must-as-in-have-to see him as a drooling idiot barely capable of being taught to put most of the pee-pee in the toilet so long as he sits on it. I’m absolutely convinced right now that when he isn’t reading ten-year-old speeches off the teleprompter, Wiggleroom spends most of his time eating paste.


And the fawning morons who surround him? They bask in his warm, urine-soaked glow and beg, “May we please get you more paste, kind sir?”

The Cabinet ought to step up right now and invoke the 25th Amendment because at this point, Biden would be a big improvement over the man who stepped on his own tongue on his way to cementing a Russo-Iranian hegemony over the Fertile Crescent.

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