The Last Detail

H.D. Miller gets the last word on soccer.

Everyone knows that the spectacle of a 300 pound, defensive end, hepped-up on pain-killers and anabolic steriods, bearing down on a multi-million dollar quarterback’s blindside at a 4.4, 40-yard pace, with malice in his heart, is infinitly more entertaining than watching some wussified midfielder trip over his own feet and feign an injury in the hopes of getting a free kick. There should be a congressional investigation into the negitive effects of soccer on the youth of America. The sport teaches the worst sorts of values: always pretend you’re hurt, someone may notice; always tattle on your opponents, they may get punished; always complain about the weather and the fans, it’ll give you an excuse if you lose. The rest of the world should follow our example and make it mandatory that boys quit playing soccer as soon as girls are no longer able to compete on an equal basis, about age 13. Few American boys play soccer past age 13, and soccer is the quintessential tomboy’s sport. Look at how American women have dominated the sport internationally.

Really, that’s the last word — I’m disabling the comments on this post. Nothing more need be said.