Somewhere, Dennis Leary Is Smiling

The English — and I say this with love — are perhaps the world’s least culinary people. A recent UK cooking program (or “cooking programme”) lasted all of eight seconds, with just one line of dialogue.

(Holding up some dripping pale thing on a fork, and speaking in a Terry Jones girly voice) “This still has some flavor; I’d better boil it some more”

Now our Right Side of the Pond buddies are sending over fungus which, they claim, tastes like chicken. They call it “Quorn.”

Well of course they do. “Shit” was already taken.

Listen up, my pasty-skinned food freaks. And this goes for you vegans, vegetarians, and granola-munchers, too: Stop trying to sell me meat substitutes.

Know what a real meat substitute is? It’s the bite of potato you have in between bites of rare porterhouse.