Letters, We Get Letters Sorry

Letters, We Get Letters
Sorry for the all-caps, but other than to eliminate annoying line breaks, I have done no editing. So, in its entirety:

PROPOSAL FOR PARTICIPATORY FINANCIAL TRANSACTION

I WOULD LIKE TO FIRSTLY SEND TO YOU THE BEST WISHES OF GOOD HEALTH AND SUCCESS IN YOUR PURSUITS PARTICULARLY THROUGH MY PROPOSAL AS CONTAINED IN THIS EMAIL.

BEFORE GOING INTO DETAILS OF MY PROPOSAL TO YOU, I MUST FIRST SOLICIT YOU TO TREAT IT WITH UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY, AS THIS IS REQUIRED FOR ITS SUCCESS. I GOT YOUR NAME AND E-MAIL ADDRESS, WHILE SURFING ON THE INTERNET FOR A RELIABLE AND TRUSTING PERSON.

WHO ARE SENIOR OFFICIALS OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA’S CONTRACTS REVIEW PANEL AND WE ARE INTERESTED IN DIVERTING SOME FUNDS THAT ARE PRESENTLY FLOATING IN THE SUSPENCE ACCOUNT OF THE FEDERAL PAY OFFICE. IN ORDER TO COMMENCE THIS TRANSACTION, WE SOLICITFOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ENABLE US TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THE SAID FLOATING FUNDS.WE ARE DETERMINED TO CONCLUDE THE TRANSFER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE .

THE SOURCE OF THE FUNDS ARE AS FOLLOWS: DURING THE LAST ABACHA MILITARY REGIME IN NIGERIA, GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED CONTRACTS TO THEIR OWN COMPANIES, THESE CONTRACTS WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED
IN VARIOUS MINISTRIES AND PARASTATALS. THE PRESENT OBASANJO GOVERNMENT SET UP CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHICH HAS THE MANDATE TO USE THE INSTRUMENTS OF PAYMENT MADE AVAILABLE TO IT BY THE DECREE SETTING UP THE PANEL,TO REVIEW
THESE CONTRACTS AND IF NECESSARY PAY THOSE WHO ARE BEING OWED OUTSTANDING AMOUNTS.MY COLLEAGUES AND I HAVE IDENTIFIED QUITE A HUGE SUM OF THIS FUNDS WHICH ARE CURRENTLY FLOATING IN THE FEDERAL PAY OFFICE READY FOR DISBURSEMENT AND WOULD LIKE TO DIVERT SOME OF IT FOR OUR OWN PURPOSES.
HOWEVER, BY VIRTUE OF OUR POSITION AS CIVIL; SERVANTS AND MEMBER OF THIS PANEL, WE CANNOT ACQUIRE THESE FUNDS IN OUR NAMES OR IN THE NAMES OF COMPANIES THAT ARE BASED IN NIGERIA. I HAVE THEREFORE BEEN MANDATED, AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES IN THE PANEL, TO LOOK FOR A RELIABLE OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE CAN TRANSFER THE SUM OF U.S$30,000,000.00[THIRTY MILLION,U.S DOLLARS]. THAT IS WHY AM SENDING YOU THIS EMAIL.

WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO YOUR ACCOUNT,IF YOU AGREE WITH OUR PROPOSITION AS FOLLOWS,

(a) 20% TO THE ACCOUNT OWNER (YOU)

(b) 70% FOR US (MY COLLEAGUES AND I)

(c) 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING ALL EXPENSES (BY BOTH YOU
AND US)

INCIDENTAL TO THE ACTUALIZATION OF THIS PROJECT.WE WISH TO INVEST OUR SHARE OF THE PROCEEDS OF THIS PROJECT IN FOREIGN STOCK MARKETS, PROPERTIES AND OTHER BUSINESS TILL WE ARE READY AND ABLE TO HAVE ACCESS TO THEM WITHOUT
RAISING ANY EYEBROWS HERE AT HOME. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND RISK FREE.WE TEND TO EFFECT THE TRANSFER WITHIN FOURTEEN WORKING DAYS FROM THE DAYS OF RECEIPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION THROUGH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS. YOUR COMPANY’S NAME, ADDRESS, PHONE AND FAX NUMBERS, YOUR BANK’S
NAME AND ADDRESS, PHONE/FAX NUMBERS, TELEX AND THE ACCOUNT NUMBER INTO WHICH THE FUNDS SHOULD BE PAID.THE ABOVE INFORMATION WILL ENABLE US WRITE LETTERS OF CLAIM AND JOB DESCRIPTION RESPECTIVELY.THIS WAY, WE WILL USE YOUR COMPANY’S NAME TO APPLY FOR THE PAYMENT AND BACKDATE THE AWARD OF THE CONTRACT TO YOUR COMPANY.

WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING THIS TRANSACTION WITH YOU AND WE SOLICIT YOUR UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSACTION.I WILL BRING YOU INTO A MORE DETAIL PICTURE OF THIS TRANSACTION WHEN I HEAR FROM YOU.

BEST REGARDS,

DELE JOHNSON.

Let’s see — I give you total access to my banking and you’ll give me money? I know better than to look a gift horse in the mouth, but I can smell the rotten Denmark on its breath from here.

Seriously, I appreciate up front, in your face efforts to fleece people. So much better than all that tacky grifting. If you get fun emails like this, send’em on over to me. This could be fun.