The PJ Tatler

Baseball Fans Swing and Miss With Petition to Make Opening Day a Holiday

Barack Obama may be a terrible president, but even awful presidents are capable of coming up with one good idea.

In Obama’s case, it’s the beloved White House petition process known as “We the People.” Of course, the petitions are no more an authentic expression of the people’s will than an Occupy Wall Street rally, but for sheer inventiveness — and demonstrations of stupidity — you can’t beat it.

Some of my favorites:

Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016

Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding and resources, and begin construction on a Death Star by 2016.

By focusing our defense resources into a space-superiority platform and weapon system such as a Death Star, the government can spur job creation in the fields of construction, engineering, space exploration, and more, and strengthen our national defense.

There were several efforts to seriously figure out how much a Death Star would cost.

And keeping with the Star Wars theme:

Let Alderan secede from the Galatic Republic.

It’s a little late for that.

For sadistic inventiveness, I like this one:

Let everyone punch Grover Norquist in the dick.

…Have Grover Norquist brought forth in chains and put on public display.

Once Grover Norquist has been secured, anyone who wishes will be allowed to punch him once, and only once, square in the dick.

The second most popular petition? “Let Texas Secede” with nearly 125,000 signatures.

All in good fun, right? Everything from “Repeal Obamacare” to “Let Canada Secede from the United States.” It’s a block party for democracy and everyone from the really hot girl next door to your perpetually drunk neighbor down the block who tries to shoot your dog when he digs in his yard is represented.

Now comes a group of baseball fans who want to make opening day a national holiday. Too late this year — The Dodgers opened the season last week playing two games against the Diamondbacks in Australia.

But their hearts are in the right place.

The Hill:

Baseball fans are striking out with their petition for President Obama to declare Major League Baseball’s Opening Day a national holiday.

In a response, White House deputy press secretary Josh Earnest writes that although presidents have celebrated Opening Day for more than a century, the request is “a little outside our strike zone.”

“Creating permanent federal holidays is traditionally the purview of Congress,” Earnest writes. “So, it’s up to the men and women on Capitol Hill to decide whether to swing at this pitch.”

More than 100,000 people had signed the White House petition, which said that Opening Day “is more than just the beginning of the season.”

“It’s a symbol of rebirth,” the petition reads. “The coming of spring. The return of America’s national pastime. It’s a state of mind where anything is possible. You can feel the electricity in the air. Opening Day brings with it the promise of a new beginning. Every fan is in good spirits. It’s a day of celebration. It’s a day of hope. It’s a day that, for generations, has been looked forward to by baseball fans every off-season.“

Obama on Tuesday will honor the 2013 World Series champions, the Boston Red Sox, at the White House.

“Meanwhile, I’ll spend that day visualizing what it would be like to welcome my 2014 World Series Champion Kansas City Royals to the White House,” Earnest, a lifelong Kansas City Royals fan, writes. “That is, after all, the best part of Opening Day: every team is tied for first place and poised to make a run at the Fall Classic.”

While baseball drips with tradition, I doubt whether there are too many people who signed that petition who are conservatives. Another federal holiday would cost the taxpayer up to $500 million. Seems a steep price to pay to celebrate what used to be our national pastime.

Besides, it’s much more fun to simply call in sick and play hookey from work to attend the game. Lying to your boss in order to get a mental health day is the American way and workers have been doing it for a hundred years.

Play ball!