The PJ Tatler

Are the Dems Trying to Steal Pennsylvania? Or is GOP Trying to Steal Ohio?

Charges and counter-charges of state stealing are being flung around the internet like monkeys throwing feces at the zoo. The Democrats are charging Republicans with the crime of trying to steal Ohio while the GOP is accusing the Democrats of trying to steal Pennsylvania.

I’m not saying it can’t be done. But think of how difficult it is to steal an entire state? The challenges involved are daunting.

For instance, where the heck are you going to put it? I mean, it’s not like we’re talking about stealing Rhode Island or Connecticut. You could actually disguise Rhode Island. Put a great big mustache on Providence and a funny hat on Cranston and the state could easily pass for Lichtenstein or Monaco.

But Ohio would be a tough nut to crack. I suppose you could bury it. Ohio is very flat and throwing just a few feet of earth over it might fool the authorities for a while.

Or you could use a little misdirection. Take down all the signs that say “Welcome to Ohio” and replace them with signs that say “Welcome to Indiana.” People will think they’ve driven too far and turn around. It might be hours before they discover their error.

But I think the only practical solution is to hire David Copperfield and get him to make Ohio disappear. It’s not that big of a stretch to go from disappearing a 747 to making a state vanish before our eyes.

As for Pennsylvania…faggetaboutit. Too big, too rocky, and besides, do you want to take the state away from the New Black Panthers? They seem to have taken up residence at a couple of polling stations and far be it for me to try and take the state from them.

So yeah. Stealing a state is a hard thing to do but we shouldn’t put anything past the Democrats. Republicans may have faith that moves mountains, but Democrats have the unions. The legerdemain shown by labor in stealing anything and everything should never be underestimated.