The PJ Tatler

Yes, Jonah Goldberg, You're a Northeastern RINO...

The man wants a government bounty program to protect us from Burmese pythons. Seriously.

I think it is the right and proper role of government to protect us from giant alien snakes that are destroying our environment, threatening our children and pets. If you want to call me a RINO for that, go for it. I can do without the cowboy poetry festivals, but invasive giant snake genocide: mark me down for a yes.

You see, I don’t think we need a vast new government bureaucracy to kill snakes. Heck I think if we created a vast new bureaucracy to kill snakes we would very quickly end up subsidizing people to raise snakes to kill them. But, are you telling me that during a time when unemployment is outrageously high, the government can’t put a bounty on snakes and get results? I don’t know what the right number is but for the sake of argument if we had a hunting season in which you could bring in unlimited number of Burmese pythons for $50 per pound, my hunch is Burmese pythons would be erecting memorials to the great snake genocide of 2012.

Seriously, I need two hands to count the number of cabinet agencies I would shutter. I cringe every time I remember George W. Bush saying that whenever somebody hurts, the government has to move. But when it comes to an invading army of giant snakes, it’s time for the government to get moving.

Faster, please.


Faster, please, you say? Well, cast your eyes on fair Sweetwater, Texas. They have a rattlesnake problem out that way, a problem which is several orders of magnitude more of a threat then non-poisonous and generally slow-moving pythons. Every March, thousands gather in Sweetwater for the fun and privilege of hunting, killing and eating rattlesnakes. The local Jaycees run the round-up. Participants buy a ticket that lets them in on the hunt. They have a carnival and other events attached to the round-up. I understand some out-of-staters don’t like the event very much. This anti-roundup site fails to make the event sound like anything but fun. But if Wikipedia is right, the round-up is good business along with being useful for controlling the rattlesnake population.

So there’s your solution to the Python Crisis of 2012: Let some local clubs or groups organize periodic hunts, let them charge for tickets to hunt, and let hunters do what hunters do. People will pay for the privilege of killing snakes in great numbers. No government bounty necessary.

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