The (Almost) Daily Distraction is back by semi-popular demand! I recently received some requests for this column to return regularly so that we can all enjoy a bit of an occasional palate cleanser during the election-year slog.
What better way to kick off the return than with a quick discussion of a recent violation of my palate?
Instagram is my happy place on social media. I don't do any politics there, and its algorithm seems to get me more than any other platform. In the last six years, I've made many purchases off of Instagram-sponsored ads because they always suggest things that I can use.
The algorithm has failed me a couple of times, however, missing the mark by a lot.
One has been going on for a few years now. For reasons I can't possibly fathom, the Instagram algorithm decided that I am a fancy dresser. It continually suggests clothing companies and curated men's clothing subscription services. These all feature things like shirts with buttons, slacks, and dress shoes that look like somebody vomited up a GQ cover.
In my way of life, shirts with buttons and pants of any kind are for going to church. I certainly don't need a closet full of that crap. When I go to church, I wear my boots like a normal Tucson man, not some snooty dress shoes that look like I'm trying to live out a drunken "Mad Men" fantasy.
The other big IG algorithm fail has involved "mushroom coffee," which materialized out of the ether onto my timeline about five months ago. I didn't want to know anything about it, so I refused to click any of the ads. My best friend then told me that he was seeing ads for it, too, and wondered if I knew what mushroom coffee was all about.
Obviously, Big Shroom had gotten to Instagram.
I could have stayed away from mushroom coffee under normal circumstances, but my sister started drinking it and I visit her a lot. I'm back in Michigan to see her again this week, and she finally wore me down. I checked it out a little and found that mushroom coffee is supposed to do all these magical things for you. It'll make you think better. It's great for your digestion. If you drink enough of it, you'll come home one afternoon and find Sofía Vergara lounging on your couch, wearing lingerie.
They really do oversell it.
On Wednesday afternoon, I figured I would give it a shot.
Congratulations, mushroom coffee: you are the fastest regret I've ever had.
Mushroom coffee was both a gustatory and olfactory assault. It smelled and tasted like what I would imagine an old hobo shoe steeped in dirty bathwater would smell and taste like. I tried to finish it because it was expensive, and my sister paid for it, but I had to dump it less than halfway through. I had begun to fantasize about going to a rest area toilet in the Arizona desert in July just so I could smell anything less offensive.
Unfortunately, since I clicked on one of the mushroom coffee accounts to learn more, my Instagram feed is now polluted with sponsored content from Big Shroom. It's like my IG feed is scratch-and-sniff now, so hideous was the smell.
There are a lot of things that I like, but don't need to be together. I love mushrooms and I love coffee, not in the same cup, though.
I really loved the mushrooms in the '80s.
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