I'm Being Held Hostage by Harry and Meghan 'News'

AP Photo/Frank Augstein

Hey, everyone, did you know that kinda/sorta Prince Harry has a tell-all book out?

As someone who writes and edits a newsletter five days a week, it is obviously impossible for me to avoid the news. I use a variety of platforms to curate what information flows to me, but it’s not a perfect system for filtering out nonsense. There’s also the fact that there are no real journalists at the big mainstream media outlets anymore, which means that there is more nonsense than ever.


Because of all of the above, it has been impossible to avoid the incessant whining of the Duke and Duchess of Insufferable, Harry and Meghan.

The reason I don’t write a lot about international affairs is that I don’t pay much attention to other countries. There’s more than enough going on here to keep me occupied. I’ve always been apathetic about the British royal family, or any royalty, for that matter. Yeah, I always admired Queen Elizabeth for hanging around and keeping her dullard son off of the throne for as long as she did. Beyond that, I couldn’t name most of the Brit royals if I had a gun to my head. I know that Hank and Megs have a kid named Archimund Codswallop Fitzyahtzee, or something like that. They might have another kid, but I am unaware of its pronouns.

I understand that there are some Americans who are obsessed with the British royal family, probably because they’ve never been obsessed with a history book. It never really bothered me before. We all need a hobby. For example, I like playing video games, which I know a lot of people don’t understand. It was very much a “to each his own” approach by me until Harry decided to move stateside and establish his bona fides as the “Most Whipped Husband in the World.”


I was aware of Meghan Markle because I began binge watching Suits during a low point in my life. My only knowledge of Harry was that he is Charles and Diana’s son, and that a lot of conservatives admired him for his military service. What I’ve learned about them the last two weeks is that they are two people of great fortune and privilege who whine about virtually every aspect of their lives.

I’ve learned this all in two weeks because every major “news” outlet that I have to pay attention to has turned into a Harry and Meghan gossip outlet.

Harry seems to believe that the best way to pump up the book sales is to burn as many bridges as possible. For example:

It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that the little duchess is feeding him his lines through an earpiece. If he goes an entire interview without complaining about his family, she probably locks him in the Bad Prince Basement without his supper.


The union of British noble entitlement and Hollywood shallowness has been even more awful than one might have imagined. It’s like throwing two dirty cat litter boxes together.  Their Royal Uselessnesses are running for every camera they can find to talk about wanting to keep their family out of the spotlight.

Because we live in an age of stupid leftist emotion, these poor little rich kids are working earnestly to brand themselves as victims. Our never curious fake journalist class doesn’t see any reason to question the mind-numbing absurdity of the premise. Personally, I would love to hear about the horrors of living in luxury and never having to pay for it. The kids’ grandad lives in a palace. There’s free food and servants everywhere they turn. Why, it’s positively Dickensian, isn’t it?

What would be great is if these two tedious nits would be serious about staying out of the spotlight. They’re both obvious attention you-know-whats. I know, because I’m one too. I admit it, however. The worst kind of attention seeker is the one who insists that he or she isn’t. They will no doubt keep resurfacing like cockroaches in an apartment building (someone explain to Harry what that is) that can never be gotten rid of.


Harry and Meghan need to let the American press get back to fluffing for President LOLEightyonemillion. It’s unfair that our reporters have to simp for Prince Fussybottom and his American emasculator.

And please, European nobility, get back to being good little royals and start marrying your cousins again.

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