Florida Man Friday: Toe Sucker Sucks Toes, Details at Ten

It’s a new year and the same Florida Man — only bigger, stronger, weirder, and with 33% more Tiger Blood at no extra charge to you, dear reader.

So join me now — won’t you? — on another madcap…

Florida Man Friday!

We’ll begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

(Image by jacqueline macou from Pixabay.)

Florida police searching for criminal toe sucker.

I couldn’t decide whether to go with “NTTAWWT” or “Because of course they are.” So instead I say: YOU make the call.

Anyway:

A Bradenton man sound asleep in the early morning hours on Dec. 24 awoke to find a stranger man sucking on his toes. [Did they crib this from a Steve Martin short story? -VodkaPundit]

According to the police report, the man’s toes were in the stranger’s mouth when he was awakened from his slumber.

When asked by the victim what the man was doing, the stranger replied that “he was there to suck toes.”

Way to fly your Mission Accomplished banner and your freak flag at the same time, Florida Man!

Deal of the Century

A Florida woman is selling a chicken tender shaped like a manatee for $5,000 – Orlando Weekly https://t.co/EyhqD3ta1A

— Florida Forum (@florida_forum) January 3, 2020

Florida Woman might not know art, but she knows what she likes: Chicken tenders and cold, hard cash.

Leave It to Florida Man to Headline an Actual Man-Bites-Dog Story

https://twitter.com/NewsBreaking/status/1212484474891427841

Details from a not-at-all-uncommon Florida arrest:

The dog, named Casper, was given the command to apprehend Watts, who then “leaped, grabbed Casper by the head and bit Casper’s ear as he drove Casper to the ground,” the report said.

Casper eventually managed to get free, at which point he bit Watts on the head.

Good boy, Casper.

Florida Woman Flees the Scene of… Whatever the Hell That Was

(A representative image of what the shirtless Florida Woman looks like in my mind, but not in reality. Image by Joey Velasquez from Pixabay.)

A drunken, shirtless woman hit seven parked cars, then fled, cops say. She didn’t get far.

Details:

A residential Boynton Beach road was thrown into chaos Thursday afternoon when a drunken juvenile officer drove through, deputies said.

It was 4:35 p.m. when the call came in of a multi-car crash in the 1100 block of South Military Trail. A Palm Beach Sheriff’s deputy drove to the scene and saw the damage Krystal Payne had left behind.

The deputy walked over to a Chevrolet not far away from the parked cars — at least seven of them — it had crashed into. The key was still in the ignition, the engine running, the passenger side door ajar.

A mostly empty Crown Royal bottle was in the car with an empty cup of liquor that had spilled into the driver’s seat. Several pieces of clothing were strewn inside. Makeup had left marks on the steering wheel.

Now that’s what I call a Thursday afternoon.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Christmas Spirit Edition

News in Brief: Only in Florida

• Florida man arrested for fighting a gas pump.

• Honey bees attack 79-year-old Florida woman. (Ouch! I hope she isn’t allergic.)

• Man having home built on Florida island dresses up as sheriff to intimidate contractor, authorities say. (Having dealt with contractors, I’m taking Florida Man’s side on this one.)

• Florida woman kicks out glass and escapes patrol car after being arrested.

Someday I’m going to do a Best Of Florida Man, consisting of nothing but stories of Florida Persons stealing or escaping from police cars.

It will also be by far the longest edition of Florida Man Friday on record.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Challenge Accepted

if I have to hear one more “Florida Man” or “Florida Woman” joke, I will kill myself. and I will do so in a spectacular, theatrical manner that You Will be hearin about it.

— fighty gee (@fightygee) December 31, 2019

I might have to get back on Twitter just to see how this ends.

Shame On You, Florida Cops

An elderly Florida woman asked officers to see a warrant so they repeatedly tasered, beat and arrested her! https://t.co/GIPSxvDfuR

— The Free Thought Project 2.0 (@TheFreeThought2) January 1, 2020

If this story pans out, and it looks like it will, I hope Florida Woman enjoys a very, very comfy retirement at their expense.

You Do Realize Most Florida Men Moved There from Other States, Right?

Florida Man is so 2010s.

Missouri Man is where it’s at now. pic.twitter.com/wyF2i4Oz1V

— Yede (@_Yede) January 3, 2020

Well, now you know. Because Missouri Man is just one U-Haul short of being the Florida Man he knows he can be.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes – Some Wear Moving Vehicles

Footage Of Florida Man Clinging To A Moving Truck To Save His Kidnapped Daughters Has Been Released.

There aren’t enough emojis in the world for this story, but that’s OK because I don’t speak emoji.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes II

A Florida man will spend the next 10 days sleeping in cages at a Tampa Bay area animal shelter to raise awareness for dogs and cats waiting for their fur-ever homes. https://t.co/kjNCXwkNlU

— Fox 4 News (@Fox4Now) January 3, 2020

Every day I try to be the man my kids need me to be, and the man my dogs already think I am. It isn’t always a successful effort, but stories like this one make it easier to keep trying.

Thank you, Florida Man.