Drunkblogging Bill Clinton's DNC Speech

7:09PM OK, here we go. I have a massive head cold and an even bigger scotch.

This will get ugly.

7:10PM Sandra Fluke as a warmup act to Bill Clinton.

Irony is dead on the left. It died young and left a corpse that wasn’t all that attractive, considering how much it spent on contraceptives.


7:10PM “Empowered.”


7:15PM Guess we’re going to have to let that Costco membership slide. What a shame — we’ve needed a lot of cheap booze the last four years.

7:17PM Wow. They brought out Elizabeth Warren for real.

“I never dreamed I’d be the warmup act for President Bill Clinton.”

Yeah… neither did he.

7:18PM Rich Democrats telling sob stories to a nation with 11% (real) unemployment won’t go over so well, methinks.

7:19PM I’m watching the C-SPAN feed, meaning I get all of this without any sort of cutaways or commercial interruption.

So… y’all owe me, bigtime.

7:20PM “The system is rigged,” says a member of the party responsible for Solyndra.

The shamelessness, it know no bounds.

7:22PM “We’re Americans; we celebrate success.”

You didn’t build that, Elizabeth.

7:23PM “Bottom up” seems apt. I just expected to hear it two speakers ago.

7:24PM “Vaporize Obamacare,” like it’s a bad thing. Well, that’s hunky-dory with half-plus of American voters. That should tell you what audience the Democrats are playing to tnoight.

7:25PM “We don’t run this country for corporations, we run it for people.”

The problem is: They run it at all.

WE own this country, I heard one time.

7:27PM I should be spending less time with Elizabeth Warren — and how! — and more time with my drink.

7:30PM “Jesus told me to tax the bejeebus out of you and maybe drown a secretary.”


Am I parsing too closely?

7:31PM “Joe Biden is ready” to eat paste.

7:32PM Wow. The Democrats haven’t put up this big a skirt chaser on such a stage since…

Oh. He’s introducing Clinton.

7:33PM Um… playing a Fleetwood Mac song that was old when Clinton used it 20 years ago ain’t exactly “forward.”

7:34PM “Responding to things that come up” is just too close for comfort to the punchline from the old joke about good secretaries.

7:34PM Clinton owns this room.

7:35PM “Yesterday’s gone, yesterday’s gone.”

I told you irony was dead on the Left.

7:36PM Yes. Barack Obama had it rough at private school in Hawaii and Occidental and Harvard and Hyde Park and all. We get it.

7:37PM “I want to nominate a man who’s cool on the outside, but burns for America on the inside.”


7:38PM “I proudly nominate him to be the standard-bearer of the Democratic party.”

And now comes for the not-proud stuff about the Republicans.

7:38PM Wait for it… we’re gonna hear about the Clinton economy soon.

7:39PM “We’re all in this together.”

That’s the problem after four years, isn’t it?

7:40PM Is that counting temp jobs at Solyndra?

7:41PM Clinton is good, he really is. I voted for him in ’92, despite my best (well, “better”) intentions. I was young and foolish and sober.

7:42PM It’s fun watching Clinton proclaim his love for Republicans, when you think of the four years he spent going head-to-head with Newt Gingrich.


7:43PM Really, you have to go back a dozen years or more for a speech this good from Bill Clinton about Bill Clinton.

7:44PM Business and government cooperating…

This is an unmitigated good…

And people sometimes ask me why I drink.

7:45PM I want business and government at loggerheads. Gridlock. Because when the guys with the money are making deals with the guys with the guns, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

7:46PM “He is still committed to constructive cooperation.”

THAT is the best reason Clinton could give us to reelect this guy.

He means well, he really does. FORE MOAR YEERS!

7:47PM Speaking of Hillary… where is she?

(Sorry, was that impolitic of me?)

7:47PM We have fewer enemies.

Try telling them that.

7:48PM “President Obama’s whole record on national security…” is drones and Bush II, yes?

7:49PM Whoa. Did Clinton forget that Obama ignored, shelved, straight-armed, his own bipartisan deficit-reduction commission?


7:51PM I haven’t seen Bill this happy in years, giving a speech for a man he, by all accounts, doesn’t respect very much. But then I remembered Hillary is in the Cook Islands and China and stuff.

7:52PM Calling Dodd-Frank “pesky financial regulations” is like calling a malignant brain tumor “a mild headache.”

7:52PM After twenty years, nobody — and I mean nobody — can steal from Reagan better than Clinton.

7:53PM Reelect Obama because… incomplete.

Wow. Lame.

“Are we better off than we were when he took office?”


That’s the “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” of 2012.

7:56PM Dude… incomplete. Mulligan. Do-over.

Clinton delivers these reasons with everything Clinton can muster — and although his voice is a bit weaker than before, he still musters plenty — but these are not good reasons.

7:56PM Oh no. Now he’s riffing on that “Bridge to the 21st Century” line from 1996.

It’s still all about Bill.

ABA. That’s how I’ll remember tonight.

7:58PM Bill, you don’t want to talk about manufacturing jobs (or auto jobs, for that matter) on the eve of the eve of a crappy jobs report, and after three straight months of manufacturing contraction.

7:58PM Poke fun all you like, but I love conventions for the big hats.

7:59PM “Jobs score.”

Can we get Politifact working on this, please?


8:00PM You’ll save money on gas buy not buying a deathtrap CAFE car you can’t afford.


8:00PM You’ll save money on gas buy not buying a deathtrap CAFE car you can’t afford.


8:01PM I so could not follow that sentence, but it sounded very ominous.

8:02PM YEA! We’ve found a new way to make it more affordable to shovel more money at college administrators.

I’m pretty sure we’re f****** saved.

8:03PM Will those young Americans be having subsidized sex to qualify for free abortions on their way to the dean’s office to submit their alms?

8:04PM If either of my sons are still on my insurance at age 26, I’ll ask myself where the hell I went wrong as a father, or why the hell there’s still a Democrat in the White House.


8:07PM Because Obama saves money. That’s what he does. When you ask why he cut money out of Medicare, that’s like asking the Terminator why he knit all those lovely doilies.

It just. doesn’t. happen.

Obama saves money. It’s what he does.

8:07PM “I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.”

Me, neither.


8:08PM “A lot of people believe this stuff.”

I can point to about 20,000 just on my TV screen.

8:10PM “Medicare will now grow broke.”

I know Clinton flubbed his line a little, no big deal, but “grow broke” might be the perfect summation of four years of Obamanomics.

8:11PM With all credit to David Burge, the thing that will end Medicare as we know it is Medicare as we know it.

Also left unanswered in Bill’s speech: Show me the money.

8:13PM Bill Clinton is flat-out lying (I know, I know) about the work requirement. Go to kausfiles.com for the full story. Mickey Kaus, a serious-minded liberal, owns this story.

8:14PM Michelle looks like tonight will not be the night she is proud of her country for a third time.

8:16PM “Tight controls on future spending.”

How about one control on current spending? Just one.

Also, that’s great big brass balls, mentioning the Simpson-Bowles commission Obama ignored like a… crap, metaphor fails me, it’s so ballsy.

8:17PM Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is all glammed up. She looks like an extra from a Sheena Easton video.

8:17PM When I said I missed Bill Clinton, I mean, I always miss him until he comes back.


8:18PM Oh, dear. Republicans will, apparently, take the One Ring, put it on, and get all Sauron on your asses.

8:19PM It was my understanding there would be no arithmetic.

8:20PM “It passes the arithmetic test.”

Sure, it’s easy to add to 16,000,000,000,000.

8:21PM We’re at the barnstormer part of the speech. Also, my beard filled in.

8:22PM Clark Kent called. He wants his tie back.

(Only old-school comic book fans like me even noticed.)

8:24PM “God bless you, and God bless America.”

I don’t agree with Bill Clinton on a lot of things. But when he says those words, I believe them.

8:25PM On the other hand, I haven’t seen a hug that awkward — the one between Clinton and President Obama — since Liza Minnelli and David Gest said “I do.”

8:29PM Will there be a wrap?

Sadly, no.

I have to save some for the main event tomorrow night.

Check in right here about 22 hours from right now.


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