So What Should Zelenskyy Do Now?

“You can’t put the [EXPLETIVE] back in the donkey.” —Tony Soprano

Here’s the good news: apologies are opportunities to reset the narrative.

Here’s the bad news: um… [Gestures wildly at everything else]

On the heels of the horrendous, awful, so-bad-it-practically-melted-your-face-like-that-scene-in-“Raiders of the Lost Ark” White House meeting between Volodymyr Zelenskyy and Donald Trump, the Ukrainians are in crisis communications mode. The future of their country was needlessly, foolishly endangered.

How bad a screw-up was it?

About 800 years ago, the city of Otrar, located in the modern country of Kazakhstan, thought it would be a swell idea to disrespect Genghis Khan: Inalchuq, the governor of Otrar, spurned the Khan’s request for assistance on a legal inquiry, killed his chief envoy — and just out of spite, Inalchuq shipped the envoy’s decapitated head back to the Mongols.

Genghis Khan responded exactly like Genghis Khan: he wiped out the city. 1.2 million people were brutally killed.

Inalchuq was executed by having molten silver poured into his mouth, eyes, and ears.

Why do I bring this up? You must go 800 YEARS back in time to find a diplomatic SNAFU on the level of what Zelenskyy just did in the White House!

Even by historic standards, Zelenskyy’s behavior was exceptional. Nations in Ukraine’s position don’t usually stroll into a superpower’s home (wearing a sweatsuit, no less), demand (more) money and limitless security guarantees, call the vice president by his first name, and then annoy the president so much that he throws you out on your [butt]. Instead, leaders in Zelenskyy’s position typically care more about their country than their own ego, and act accordingly.

So what should Zelenskyy do now?

First of all, he should see what he can shake out of Europe. They were saying all kinds of negative things about Trump and America: maybe Zelenskyy could ride the latest wave of anti-Trump sentiment and extract more concessions (ca-ching!). It’s worth a shot, because this is what Zelenskyy really wants: more money, more weapons, more war.

He doesn’t want the fighting to stop until his country is whole, Russia is vanquished, and Putin is punished. Can’t blame him for feeling that way, but that doesn’t mean we’re obligated to bankroll his war goals.

Presumably, Trump wants to cut a deal where Russia keeps portions of Ukraine, including Crimea. If that’s not acceptable to Zelenskyy, that’s fine. If he’d rather continue to fight, that’s his God-given right. And if Europe wants to go to war with Russia and risk nuclear armageddon to regain small slivers of Ukrainian land, so be it.

But leave us out of it.

Second, in the (likely) event that Europe is 100% talk and 0% action, Zelenskyy better start groveling ASAP.

He should schedule a return meeting at the White House at Trump’s earliest convenience. Then, Zelenskyy should show up — on time! — with a clean shave, wearing a tuxedo. (Hell, he should bring a bouquet of flowers for the First Lady while he’s at it.)

And he should apologize.

There’s nothing shameful about saying you’re sorry. All Zelenskyy has to say is something like, “I’m so passionate about my country; sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Over the last three years, I’ve consoled so many mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters — and some of their stories are so tragic and haunting, it’s heartbreaking. But I know I must keep my emotions in check; not just for the good of my people, but for the good of all people. Mr. President, I apologize for my behavior in the White House. Ukraine is grateful, thankful, and appreciative of America’s generosity. War is hell, and if there’s a chance to stop the killing, it’s absolutely worth pursuing.”

There’s a liberal theory that Trump and Vance planned this “ambush” of Zelenskyy, hoping to embarrass the Ukrainian leader on national TV. This is complete and utter nonsense: Trump wants to be known as a great dealmaker. He didn’t want to embarrass Zelenskyy; he wanted him to sign a deal.

Trump still does. 

In a weird way, if he could get Zelenskyy to sign to a deal after this high-octane kerfuffle, it would be an even greater accomplishment. Which means that Zelenskyy will probably get another bite at the apple.

He better not blow it.

Because I don’t think he’ll get a third.