I have two kids; Elon Musk now has 13. I have one Tesla; he has the whole company. Elon Musk has a net worth of $394.2 billion. I have… uh, my health.
Dennis Miller used to tell a joke: “I wonder, do the birds that live around airports have an inferiority complex?” In this case, Elon is a big, gigantic SpaceX Starship, and we’re all gnats.
It’s Elon’s world and we’re just living in it.
I’m legitimately fascinated by the man because what he’s doing is so utterly preposterous: It would be like the head of General Motors moonlighting as the chairman of Boeing, Facebook, AND OpenAI — while still having ample free time to tweet all day, play video games (at an elite level, too), and fix the entire federal government!
It makes no sense.
Even low-level executives — i.e. pretty much any random VP or director at a giant automotive conglomerate or rocket company — have an ever-growing workload that keeps ‘em up at night. It’s a tough, grueling job! And even though pop culture likes to portray CEOs as predatory, lazy, and out-of-touch, at most businesses I’ve worked with, the CEO works harder than everyone else because the buck stops with him/her.
I honestly don’t understand how Musk manages his time. Even if you’re a super-efficient super-genius, there are still only 24 hours in a day. But Musk’s success speaks for itself: It takes a Chris Christie-sized plate of chutzpah to criticize the world’s most successful CEO. Whatever he’s doing, it’s obviously working.
Still, the bizarreness of it must be noted, because it sets the stage for everything else.
In addition to having Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, X, xAI, Starlink, the Boring Company, and quite a few others, he also has 12 living children. (Sadly, his first child, Nevada Alexander Musk, died of SIDS at just 10 weeks old.) They range in age from a newborn (whose “baby mama” was just revealed to be Ashley St. Clair) to 20-year-old twins.
Having lots of babies is part and parcel of Musk’s uniquely Muskian worldview: not only is it vital for humanity to populate Mars, you see, but humanity faces imminent destruction via population collapse — and DOGE-gonit, Musk is motivated to personally contribute to the solution.
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) January 7, 2025
Elon Musk is many things: a trailblazer, a billionaire, a futurist, a visionary, a genius, an ally, and a fierce defender of free speech. He’s not a hypocrite. I don’t doubt the sincerity of his beliefs, whether they’re related to Mars, Earth, or anything in between.
Unfortunately, he’s also not a good father.
He can’t be. There are too many kids with too many women.
Yes, I saw the cute, adorable photos of Musk walking around D.C. with his cute, adorable kid on his shoulders. It was lovely. Being a little kid and getting to meet the president is a cool experience.
But more than anything else, I suspect the kid just wanted to spend time with his Dad.
Y’know what else that kid would’ve liked? Going to Disney World. Or sitting down and being read to before bedtime. Or being comforted in the middle of the night because he had a scary dream. Or being tickled. Or cuddling on the couch while watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and then doing the “Hotdog Dance” together.
And then, when the kids get a little older, you get to teach ‘em how to play football. (And why we always root against the Eagles.) You tell them Bible stories. You show up at their plays, recitals, and games. You teach them how to drive (while silently praying and/or swearing under your breath). And when someone tries to hurt them or take advantage of them, you’re there to defend them NO MATTER WHAT — because there’s absolutely NOTHING on planet Earth that a man values more than his family.
It’s not enough just to make babies. You gotta be a father to ‘em, too.
Related: What Elon Musk Owes You and Me
Last year, Netflix released a documentary called, “The Man with 1,000 Kids.” It’s about a guy, Jonathan Meijer, who possessed all kinds of superficial traits that women coveted: he was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and artistic. Women went gaga for his DNA and he was thrilled to provide it… over and over (and over) again. Here’s the trailer:
Today, nobody knows how many kids Meijer has, because the “donation policies” at international clinics all have different privacy guidelines. But in all probability, Meijer has hundreds of kids on every populated continent.
And like Musk, in interviews, Meijer expressed a desire to stay in the lives of his kids — albeit on his terms:
Meijer doesn't have close relationships with most of the children he's sired and has no relationship at all with others.
"I like to meet them," he told German media (via The Mirror). "But emotionally, they feel more like my nephews and nieces. Otherwise, it would be too much for me."
Heaven forbid it be “too much” for him.
Personally, I don’t know what “too much” means. For my kids — and my family — there is no limit. Daddies don’t hold back. We give everything we have, not because we have to, but because we want to. Because giving EVERYTHING is an expression of our fundamental values.
Including our time.
That’s what being a father is all about.
Because it’s not about this:
Whoa
— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 15, 2025
Elon Musk has a lot of children and a lot of money. Financially, he can give them the world. But what if they need more than money?
What if they need a Daddy who’ll be there for them, through thick and thin, and who puts them first?
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