Joe Biden is a purely political creature. Instead of a heart, he has a campaign pin.
We’re talking about a guy who first ran for office in 1970 — just two years after graduating from college. That was 55 years ago. Since then, Biden has blazed a fearless, feckless trail of mediocrity and shoulder-shrugs, before his inexplicable ascension to the top of the D.C. hierarchy in 2020.
When you examine Biden’s career, you begin to understand why liberal voters are so convinced that a racist, meritless Patriarchy must be controlling society: How else do you explain Biden’s career?
He finished 76th in a class of 85 students (and failed a course for plagiarism), yet two years later, he was a city councilman? And two years after that, he was elected to the U.S. Senate?
Who does that?
When you look at Biden’s career, that whole “Patriarchy theory” suddenly makes a lot of sense: in the entire history of American politics, has there ever been a man with less talent, charisma, brains, or God-given gifts who has risen as far?
President Biden has been in D.C. for so long, he’s more swamp than man.
Yesterday evening was the nightcap on his long, meandering, and largely pointless political career. In his farewell address to the American people, Biden sought to reframe his tenure from one of runaway inflation and record-low approval ratings into a mythical Golden Age of American Exceptionalism. More than anything else, he wants you to remember him as a man of uncompromising integrity — someone whose sole motivation was doing the right thing for the children of America.
Unfortunately, the facts just don’t bear it out. He’s not a man of integrity; he’s broken his word multiple times and used his political connections to enrich his family members. Just a month ago, he even pardoned his own kid!
And his presidency was NOT a success. By the end, it had devolved into a bizarre shell game of cognitive cat-and-mouse: nobody knew who was in charge, and nobody was accountable.
Domestically and internationally, President-elect Trump is inheriting a world that’s literally on fire.
Related: Your Favorite Moment of the Biden Presidency Has Finally Arrived!
“History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it,” declared Winston Churchill. And that’s a very common desire amongst ex-leaders: to pen the official historical narrative of their time in office — and thus ensure that their greatness is immortalized.
But not even Churchill had the power to rewrite history. Even today, 80+ years later, we’re still debating World War II. And if Churchill couldn’t rewrite history, there’s absolutely no way Joe Freaking Biden will, either.
So if his goal was to immortalize his own political narrative, that farewell address was a colossal waste of time. He should’ve just told everyone the truth, which would've sounded something like this:
Howdy, America! Well, I guess this is it. You morons rejected me, and now you’re gonna get what you deserve. I still have a few hundred pardons to trade for financial favors — presidential libraries aren’t cheap, you know — but after that, you won’t be seeing me for a while. Thanks to that [CENSORED] Pelosi, I won’t get my second term. And that’s a huge disappointment because I still have to support my dumba** kid. Do you have any idea how much harder it is to swing favors and get preferential treatment when you’re out of power? It sucks! I’m now a ‘normie’ — like the rest of you losers.
Anyhoo, I’m gonna miss this place. The best part of my day was when they’d wake me in the morning, and I’d find out that I’m the president! But maybe it’s time for me to go — my brain is starting to fall off the cliff. And let’s be honest, even when my brain was at full strength, it wasn’t all that impressive. It was always more Coyote than Road Runner. Beep beep!
You’re welcome, America. [checks watch] Welp, it’s nearly 8:10 pm. Way past my bedtime. I’m gonna go eat a bran muffin and try to have a solid bowel movement. In the meantime, SCREW YOU, PELOSI! One of these days I’m gonna getcha in the ring and whoop you the way I whooped Nebuchadnezzar’s grandkid. They used to call me Smokin’ Joe, you know. I think I fought Muhammad Ali a few times.
[Hunter Biden walks into the camera shot and whispers something in Biden’s ear]
Oh, yeah. One last thing: Hunter says, if anyone finds any baggies, pipes, or drugs around the White House, they totally weren’t his, and he has absolutely no idea how they got there.
Thank you and goodnight.
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