It’s a simple formula: Tequila > Maple Syrup.
Imagine you’re a single guy with a pretty good job. Your buddy offers to set you up with one of his two female friends. But the catch is, you have to choose which one.
The first girl is large, northern, and cold. And her emblem is a leaf.
The second girl is lithe, southern, and warm. (Maybe even hot-blooded.) And she makes excellent tacos.
Who you gonna pick?
Damn straight!
Look, it’s probably worth noting that there’s absolutely NO stereotype about a “Canadian lover.” It simply doesn’t exist; nobody ever fretted over losing their girlfriend to a swarthy Canuck. But a “Latin Lover” — a sexy, sultry seductress who’ll sweep you straight off your feet while dancing the salsa?
Damn straight!
I’m not anti-Canada. If you’re into big girls, you should give her a call. But as a long-term partner for the United States of America? Lemme dust off the ol’ speech I heard way too often during my dating days:
“You’re very nice, but ew, gross.”
For a relationship to work, each side must contribute something tangible; otherwise, it’s better to be single. When one side does all the work, makes all the effort, and shoulders 100% of the burden, it usually leads to resentment. Nobody wants to marry a piece of luggage — someone you’ve gotta carry 24/7. In any equitable relationship, both sides should share the heavy lifting.
So I ask you, how would Canada contribute?
Sure, they have lots of empty land, trees, and natural resources… but we already have an Alaska! Why do we need another? And besides, all the good-looking Canadians (*cough* Pam Anderson *cough*) moved here eons ago.
I’m sure their Zamboni technology is very advanced, but we’re doing okay without it. (And can we be honest? Tim Hortons sucks.)
That’s why, amidst President-elect Donald Trump’s ongoing trolling of “Governor” Trudeau and giggling over the potential annexation of our neighbor to the north, it might be smarter if we set our sights higher — by gazing our eyes lower.
Towards Mexico.
That’s the girl I want for America!
First of all, Latina women are gorgeous. You can have your Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Nefertiti, and Helen of Troy; I counter with a prime Salma Hayek and take the jackpot every damn time.
(Additionally, Mexican men tend to be short, which makes me feel tall. I like that!)
Their food is amazing, too. Even the bastardized versions — Tex-Mex, I’m looking at you — are absolutely delicious. I’ll take nachos, tacos, burritos, fajitas, and quesidillas over Canadian bacon and Molson beer any day of the week, and so would you: There’s a reason why there’s 50 gazillion Mexican restaurants.
But when was the last time you heard someone say, “Garsh, I have a major craving for some Canadian food. Yum, yum!”
Second, annexing Mexico would instantly solve our immigration problem. Trump could announce, “Good news, Mexicans! You don’t need to cross the border anymore — you’re already here! So stay where you are.”
You can’t illegally cross a border where there is no border. It’s muy inteligente!
I live in Tampa Bay, Florida. Trust me, other than snowflake celebs who are fleeing the U.S. because of MAGA, nobody in America is moving to Canada. Everyone (and their brother) is moving south:
At nearly 132.7 million residents, the South is the most populous region. With a population gain of nearly 1.8 million — a change of 1.4% between 2023 and 2024 — the South added more people than all other regions combined, making it both the fastest-growing and largest-gaining region in the country.
Texas and Florida grew by 563,941 and 467,347 people, respectively.
Doesn’t it make sense to add land where people actually wanna live? That’s not Canada — that’s Mexico. We need more land in the south.
And besides, we know the president-elect is a big fan of their culture:
Happy #CincoDeMayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics! https://t.co/ufoTeQd8yA pic.twitter.com/k01Mc6CuDI
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 5, 2016
Happy New Year, everyone! Viva 2025!
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