Robert Bork really, truly wanted to be remembered as a great judge. And in 1987, he reached the apex of his career: President Ronald Reagan nominated him to succeed Justice Lewis Powell on the Supreme Court. He was so close! Alas, after his bitter, divisive (and ultimately unsuccessful) confirmation hearing, he became known for something else:
/bôrk/ (verb): To obstruct or oppose someone, particularly a candidate for public office by systematically defaming or vilifying them. “We must Bork that guy!” said the Democrat.
It’s unusual for a person’s name to be given the anthimeria treatment. (South Park’s “Faith Hilling” episode notwithstanding.) It’s a little more common in the world of corporate brands, where we Hoover-up information after Googling the answer, and then we send a Snap to our friends.
But it definitely happens. And not necessarily a verb either: Thomas Crapper and John Hancock were immortalized as nouns. (Thank goodness their names weren’t reversed, lest we’d be taking a crap on important documents and leaving our John Hancock in the toilet.)
Of course, the all-time WORST anthimeria victim was undoubtedly Aztec Emperor Moctezuma II, a.k.a. Montezuma — who went from the King of Kings of the New World to the namesake for traveler’s diarrhea. I’m 99% sure that’s not how he expected to be remembered.
Today I propose a new word to be Borkified:
/bidenization/ (verb): When an elderly person is visibly enfeebled, weak, and diminished, especially when he delusionally insists he’s “sharp as a tack.” “The Bidenization of Mike Tyson was sad to watch.” said a Netflix subscriber.
And this brings us to Jerry Jones, the owner, general manager, pot-stirrer, brand ambassador, and check-signer of America’s Team, the Dallas Cowboys. Jerry Jones, a self-made billionaire, is 82 years old. Since joining the NFL in the late 1980s, he’s consistently been one of the most forward-thinking visionaries in sports entertainment. From pioneering branding rights, nontraditional TV deals, stadium marketing, and more, he’s personally responsible for generating billions of dollars in new revenue.
But he’s also 82 years old.
Not everyone ages equally. Most of us know people who are still going strong in the late 80s or early 90s, but we also know plenty of folks who became weak and elderly by their 40s or 50s. On one end of the spectrum, you have Donald Trump scarfing down Big Macs and partying at UFC fights ‘til the wee hours of the morning. On the other end, there’s Joe Biden, who now looks like a sack of skin clinging to a mop handle.
Unfortunately, not everyone is honest about their cognitive decline — which is almost always accompanied by diminished judgment and a deterioration of social cues. Hey, Joe Biden still insists he could handle another four years in the White House! If we simply went by Biden’s assurances, the Democrats would’ve let him keep his nomination.
But the external clues were clearly, transparently visible. After his mind collapsed during the June 27 presidential debate, Biden’s claim that he’s “sharp as a tack!” was exposed as bulls**t.
This is the year Jerry Jones was exposed, too.
He’s always had an unusual vernacular (“Glory hole!” “War daddy!” “Circumcising the mosquito!” and a penchant for unorthodoxy. When people like that begin to lose their minds, it’s kind of difficult to tell.
Al Davis, the now-deceased owner of the Oakland Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders, was another football outlaw. Davis loved giving the league the middle finger and truly believed he was smarter than everyone else. And for a long time, he probably was. The Raiders were known as the winningest team in football.
But by the end of his life, the game had passed him by. When he died in 2011 at age 82 (coincidentally, the same age Jerry Jones is today), his team was an absolute mess. In Davis’ final decade of running the Raiders, his team made history by being the first NFL franchise to lose 11 or more games in seven straight seasons.
Of course, Al Davis insisted he was still as sharp as a tack, too.
Jerry Jones is beginning to demonstrate a similar diminishment of cognitive capabilities. Less than a month ago, he threatened to fire radio hosts who weren’t his employees. He’s made “baffling” trades. He’s antagonized the entire Cowboys fanbase by claiming to go “all in” — and then not even going all in on curtains!
And now his team is 3-7. They’ve lost their last three games by 90 points.
This is why “America’s Team” has so many empty seats at its games.
Stephen A. Smith is one of America’s most influential sports commentators. (He’s also a Philadelphia Eagles fan, but nobody’s perfect.) On more than one occasion, Smith has interviewed Jerry Jones directly, spending time with him on camera and behind the scenes. Recently, he raised the Jones-Biden comparison explicitly, asking aloud why Jones’ family members won’t intervene:
Stephen A. Smith "I'm getting very very worried about Jerry Jones... I find myself thinking about Joe Biden before he backed out of running for reelection. I think Jerry's one month older than President Joe Biden for crying out loud... where the hell are his family members?" pic.twitter.com/8YMpffSMX8
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) November 19, 2024
Cynically, we know EXACTLY why Jerry’s family members won’t step in: You’d be out of your flippin’ mind to antagonize a temperamental, ego-obsessed 82-year-old billionaire! Screw that! It’s smarter to play the long game, wait for him to die in a few years, and collect your full inheritance.
After the season ends, Jerry Jones will almost certainly fire the team’s head coach, the beleaguered and overwhelmed Mike McCarthy. He’ll probably fire most of the coaches, too. But he won’t fire the team’s general manager: himself.
And that’s been the problem all along. Between Super Bowl I and Super Bowl XXX, the Cowboys appeared in 16 of the 30 NFC Championship games. Since then?
Nada. Nothing. Zilch.
It’s the Bidenization of the Dallas Cowboys.
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