I Never Thought I’d Say This, but Garbage and French Fries Could Win This Election

Of all the zillions of timelines running on the Simulation Master Computer (which I suspect is located somewhere in the Andromeda Galaxy), this one’s gotta be the Trumpiest. Here we are, in the waning days of the 2024 presidential campaign, and what’s everyone talking about?

Garbage.

Along with French fries.

It’s strategically brilliant because it undercuts the Democrats’ call-to-action. The Harris-Walz campaign is running on three things:

1. They’re not Trump
2. Trump is Hitler 
3. Abortion

Trouble is, when you define yourself by who you’re not, whenever the other person changes their behavior, your identity changes with it. In other words, you forfeit control of your own brand identity.

So, okay, the Democrats are the Not Trump Party. That’s been their identity ever since Donald descended the golden escalator of Trump Tower in 2015. Fine.

Over these past few days, who is Trump?

He’s the guy flipping burgers and grinning ear to ear at McDonald’s. He’s the one wearing the orange, yellow, and red (still McDonald’s colors!) construction vest. He’s riding around in a garbage truck. And he’s the new BFF of Joe Rogan, the patron saint of UFC fans and podcasting bros.

And Kamala Harris is the one trashing it.

Question: If you’re a working-class American, which candidate represents you?

This campaign is gonna confuse the hell out of future historians. At first glance, it makes no sense: Kamala Harris is the one who (say it along with me) “comes from a middle-class family” — but the billionaire businessman is the one who captured working-class Americans?

How?!

There’s actually a simple explanation: When the Democrats defined themselves as Not Trump, the GOP was forced to define itself as Not Kamala.

Forget about triangulation — that old, tired Dick Morris tactic was abandoned by the end of the 1990s (along with plaid shirts and Pearl Jam albums). The new Democratic playbook is antithetical to triangulation.

That’s because the new Democratic playbook is demonization.

And now Harris-Walz is caught in a delicious Catch-22: They need Trump to be “literally Hitler” but they also want to assure Trump’s followers that they’re not garbage. It creates an obvious contradiction: If Trump is literally Hitler, then his followers are literally Nazis.

So what’s wrong with calling Nazis garbage?

Related: Wait, I’m Confused: Nazis Aren’t Garbage Anymore?

You almost have to be in awe of Joe Biden. The Democrats pulled away his nomination like Lucy yanking the football from Charlie Brown and stuck Grandpa Joe in a rocking chair. Yet he still found a way to screw everything up. That takes talent!

Of course, we all know what Biden was trying to do. It wasn’t his intent to call half of Americans “garbage.” He was just trying to be witty and clever: Someone at a MAGA rally said something about “garbage,” so Biden figured he’d shoot a zinger right back.

Unfortunately, his cognitive decline is so pronounced, he can’t even do that right. (So instead, we leave him in charge of The Button, which makes a ton of sense and should leave us all sleeping like angels.)

The Democrats should’ve pivoted to abortion a week ago. Abortion should’ve been their closing argument. Even if Kamala’s goose is cooked, the abortion issue was the Democrats’ last best bet for driving liberals to the polls and protecting down-ballot congressmen, senators, and governors.

Now it’s too late. They’ll need at least another 48 hours of crisis management to put Garbagegate to bed, which ties their hands through the weekend. Unfortunately, the election’s on Tuesday.

They’ve run out of time.

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