What Should the Israelis Blow Up Next? We Have a Few Suggestions.

On Oct. 7, 2023, terrorist scumbags Pearl Harbor-ed thousands of innocent Israeli civilians at a music festival, raping and slaughtering at will. Last week, Israel remotely detonated thousands of terrorists' pagers and walkie-talkies, and since terrorists kept those devices within close proximity to their crotch, there’s a whole wave of Jew-hating terrorists who are peeing sitting down permanently.

That’s the new paradigm, boys and girls: If your terrorists rape our women, your terrorists lose their junk. They already were brainless; now they’re d*ckless, too.

But in hindsight, perhaps Israel should extend this paradigm even further. After all, this was a hyper-targeted, ultra-specific decapitation of Hezbollah’s leadership. Since the entire M.O. for terrorists is to embed themselves within civilian population centers, relying on the humanity of the “infidels” to limit repercussions, then it makes sense to use technology to level the playing field. And the more that Western nations can do to demotivate, humiliate, and undermine the benefits of terrorism, the less popular it’ll become.

The Law of Supply and Demand isn’t limited to economics. It can also serve as a modifier of human behavior writ large. And that’s critically important too because terrorism is a tactic, not a destination. If we change the behavioral assumptions and the risk-reward calculations that drive terrorism, then we can drive a stake through its cold, black heart:

“No thanks, Abdul. I’d like to keep my penis.”

With this in mind, what should the Israelis blow up next? We have a few friendly (and not-so-friendly) suggestions:

Deodorant containers: Look, the Middle East gets dreadfully hot. (And I know hot: I live in frickin’ Tampa Bay.) It’s even worse if it’s 120 degrees out and you’re forced to wear an abaya, a hijab, a niqab, a burqa, and a jibab.

So just for fun, Israel should start putting explosives in the cans of deodorant in terrorist neighborhoods. (The antiperspirant brand “Secret” would be perfect, wouldn’t it?) If these terrorists won’t disarm themselves, then Israel should remove their arms. 

And this way, Israel could have scent-focused drones patrolling the skies, catching a nice, stiff whiff of terrorist B.O. I’ll bet you could track ‘em at 1,500 feet.

Radios that play bad music: Okay, we don’t want to be unnecessarily cruel: If someone wants to play AC/DC, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Avenged Sevenfold, or anything cool, we’ll let them live. (Clearly, those are otherwise sane men and women, so we shouldn’t give up on them yet.) But if you’re gonna blast Taylor Swift, we’re gonna blast your damn radio. And you’ll deserve it, too.

Boom: “Mossad Killed the Radio Star.”

Netflix miniseries about women who murder their husbands & hide the body: If your wife likes watching these shows, good luck getting a good night’s sleep. I honestly don’t get the fascination women have with “murder porn,” but it’s unquestionably one of the most popular categories in the whole Netflix package. Women really, really, REALLY like it. Why? I don’t know. 

But I think they’re planning something. (Sleep with one eye open, gents.)

Either way, just to be safe, Israel should do us a solid and blow this up, too.

The Department of Motor Vehicles: ‘Cause sometimes, you just gotta do something to bump up your positives. Nobody likes the DMV. If Israel starts blowing ‘em up, it’ll be the death knell of antisemitism. Even losers like Nick Fuentes will be humming “Hatikvah.”

So blow up the DMVs. Then everyone will love Jews. Maybe in 2028, the Democrats will even let Josh Shapiro join the big-boy ticket.

Kamala Harris's teleprompter: This would be (mostly) for giggles, but wouldn’t it be interesting if Kamala suddenly had to think for herself? And instead of mindlessly reciting someone else’s words, she actually had to come up with her own?

That would be kinda fun. Let the voters get a good, long look at the REAL Kamala Harris before the election. That way, the American people could make an informed decision prior to the cat getting out of the bag (and possibly eaten by immigrants).

Anyone driving a Toyota Prius: Ugh, maybe — with a few tons of TNT under the hood — that stupid, blocky, glacial-like vehicle could MOVE in traffic. Have you ever been stuck behind a Prius on a one-lane road for hours at a time??? You’re fully capable of murdering entire families by the time she pulls off the road (probably to visit Whole Foods). They’re ugly, too.

In conclusion, when it comes to fighting terrorism, there are no easy solutions. Fortunately, there are some VERY funny ones. Because that’s what these terrorists deserve most of all: To be objects of ridicule, pity, mockery, and scorn.

And blowing their balls off is an excellent start.