LEGAL DISCLAIMER FROM PJ MEDIA: Scott Pinsker is in no way authorized to extend a contract offer to anyone, nor does he represent the business interest of PJ Media. We’re only vaguely aware of who he is. (Frankly, he seems rather annoying.) This article is parody and we hereby absolve ourselves of any legal or fiduciary responsibility for his inane gibberish.
Now that’s out of the way…
PJ Media is delighted to announce that it will hereby offer ABC anchors David Muir and Linsey Davis an opportunity to join our talented team of award-winning political commentators. After all, PJ Media is the top website in the country for hard-hitting political analysis, explosive editorials, and advocacy journalism. It seems like a perfect fit for Muir and Davis, since they’re clearly biased as hell and have washed their hands of even the façade of being unbiased.
“We pride ourselves on delivering to our readers exclusive commentary with a sophisticated edge,” said PJ Editor and Media Mastermind Paula Bolyard. “The last thing we want are wishy-washy, mealy-mouthed, moderate journalists with nothing to say. Well, Muir and Davis check each box: Obviously, they’re uninterested in being fair and impartial referees who call everything down the middle. Instead, they want everybody to know where they stand politically. Everyone who watched the debate last night knows this.”
Related: The PR Fallout of the Trump-Harris Debate: A Disastrous Defeat, or the Rise of Sugar Ray Trump?
Since Muir and Davis opted for open advocacy and partisan cheerleading, Bolyard argued, PJ Media makes more sense for their employment than moderating presidential debates on ABC News.
“We compete in the arena of ideas,” said Bolyard. “Clever, well-researched op-eds are our bread and butter. Although we’re not expecting anything clever or well-researched from Muir and Davis — I mean, why would we? — we figured, since they’ve already abandoned all pretext of fairness, our platform would be a better fit.”
To date, Muir and Davis haven’t responded to the PJ Media offer. But according to Bolyard, there might be an important reason for the delay:
“With their lips permanently affixed to Kamala’s backside, they probably haven’t seen our offer yet,” Bolyard noted. “It’s not in their line of sight. Maybe we could separate them with a crowbar? I’m not a mechanic, but I think we’ll need the jaws of life to pry them apart. Muir and Davis seem pretty motivated to keep kissing Kamala’s backside. I think they were auditioning for the position of press secretary. Or possibly Groom of the Stool. Nowadays, it’s hard to tell the two positions apart.”
While the exact financial package offered to Muir and Davis has yet to be publicly revealed, according to PJ Media insiders, it includes an (empty) bottle of vodka, a few (stained) MyPillows, and a box of animal crackers.
“Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that animal crackers and oyster crackers are always sold separately?” asked (annoying) PJ Media writer Scott Pinsker. “Aren’t oysters animals? Anyway, I think I’m gonna write a column about this important topic.”
This led Paula Bolyard to issue one final comment:
“There’s a wide range of literary offerings on our site,” she said. “We feature an extraordinarily wide range of opinions, breakdowns, and exclusive commentary. But nah, no columns on oyster crackers. That’s not happening.”
Still, Bolyard contended that PJ Media was the perfect place for the thoughtful opinions and/or commentary of David Muir and Linsey Davis:
“Somewhere in the back. Way, way, waaaaaay in the back.”
