Tim Cook's Silliest Announcement: Apple CEO 'Proud' of God-Given Gift of Gay-ness

Apple CEO Tim Cook coming out as gay today packs all the surprise of most recent Apple product announcements. By the time Tim takes the stage, everything’s already been leaked.

And yet we know that for many people, Tim’s announcement carries cultural significance. They see it as bold, ennobling, inspiring, and perhaps long overdue.

I see it as just plain silly — absurd, lacking in common sense, ignorant, pitiable, and perhaps disingenuous.

“So let me be clear: I’m proud to be gay, and I consider being gay among the greatest gifts God has given me.” — Tim Cook, Bloomberg Businessweek

First of all, Tim, “Let me be clear” is Obamese for “I’m about to lie.”

And in fact, in this context, you’re saying that you haven’t “publicly acknowledged” your “sexuality,” but you sure are proud of it. Is that like how you’re so proud of the new iPad Air 2, that you’ve just decided to keep it a secret? [By the way, when did publicly acknowledging one’s sexuality become a rite of passage? Imagine if the late Steve Jobs had written an op-ed in a business publication to proclaim, “I just want everybody to know that I love women. And I’m proud of it. Thank you, Jesus, for this awesome desire.”]

As Tim Cook goes on, it becomes more absurd on several levels, if you accept conventional wisdom about what it means to be gay.

How could someone be “proud” of their natural condition? Pride bespeaks achievement. But if, as GaGa say, you’re “born that way,” then what sparks pride?

Slavishly obeying your genetic predisposition is merely animal instinct, not accomplishment. Why would you talk about homosexuality as if it were a choice? (Hmmm?)

Now, if you chose to be gay, in the face of a society that rejects homosexual behavior, perhaps then you’d have something to brag about. Although it would seem silly to buck your heterosexual nature, just to tick off your neighbors.

Next, Tim says being gay is one of the “greatest gifts” from God. Setting aside any biblical interpretation of that remark, let’s just take it as Tim leaves it.

So, Tim, I guess you weren’t really born that way, God just threw in your desire for male-on-male sex as a bonus. Forgive me, I know it’s much deeper than that.

Being gay has given me a deeper understanding of what it means to be in the minority and provided a window into the challenges that people in other minority groups deal with every day. It’s made me more empathetic, which has led to a richer life. It’s been tough and uncomfortable at times, but it has given me the confidence to be myself, to follow my own path, and to rise above adversity and bigotry. It’s also given me the skin of a rhinoceros, which comes in handy when you’re the CEO of Apple.

“Timmy,” the Lord seems to say, “I’m going to give you homosexual desires, so that folks will treat you badly. That way, you won’t grow up to be a bigot, and you’ll be ready to manage the world’s most respected brand.“

This conjures the scene from “Fellowship of the Ring,” where Lady Galadriel gives Sam some Elvin rope, and he says, “Thank you, milady. [Then sheepishly] Have you run out of those nice shiny daggers?”

Newsflash for Mr. Cook, you don’t have to be gay to face adversity, or to get abused. You just have to be human.

I consider being human among the greatest gifts God has given me, although because I was created that way, there’s little room for boasting.

I could go on, but Dana Loesch did more within the constraints of 140 characters than I could if I filled up a 128GB iPad Air 2…which, I also consider one of the greatest gifts that God has not yet given me.