Roger’s Rules

More comedy from "an award-winning former New York Times contributor"

So maybe global warming (supposing for the moment that this cherished will-o’-the-wisp actually exists) is not such a bad thing. That’s the Good News that Dave Lindorff, “an award-winning journalist, a former New York Times contributor” and co-author of The Case for Impeachment (three guesses whom he wants to impeach), brings us over at The Baltimore Chronicle.

Instead of running around bemoaning your neighbor’s “carbon footprint” as does Al Gore, leftists should rejoice that the polar ice caps are melting, that the oceans are rising, that the sky is falling. Why? Because, in the world according to Dave, if you look at a map of the United States, most of the soon-to-be-submerged areas are bastions of Red State animus. That’s right, folks, you may not be able to dispense with conservatives at the polls, but maybe mother nature can lend a hand and drown ’em–or at least drive ’em from their homes.

[W]hat we see is that huge swaths of conservative America are set to face a biblical deluge in a few more presidential cycles.

Then there’s the matter of the Midwest, which climate experts say is likely to face a permanent condition of unprecedented drought, making the place largely unlivable, and certainly unfarmable. The agribusinesses and conservative farmers that have been growing corn and wheat may be able to stretch out this doomsday scenario by deep well drilling, but west of the Mississippi, the vast Ogallala Aquifer that has allowed for such irrigation is already being tapped out. It will not be replaced.

So again, we will see the decline and depopulation of the nation’s vast midsection—noted for its consistent conservatism. Only in the northernmost area, around the Great Lakes (which will be not so great anymore), and along the Canadian border, will there still be enough rain for farming and continued large population concentrations, but those regions, like Minnesota, Wisconsin and Illinois, are also more liberal in their politics.

Hallelujah! Dave, who is also “a graduate of the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism,” sees a lot of “poetic justice” in this Armageddon for conservatives. He also sees a political opportunity that should not be passed up.

The important thing is that we, on the higher ground both actually and figuratively, need to remember that, when they begin their historic migration from their doomed regions, we not give them the keys to the city. They certainly should be offered assistance in their time of need, but we need to keep a firm grip on our political systems, making sure that these guilty throngs who allowed the world to go to hell are gerrymandered into political impotence in their new homes.

The friend who forwarded this little bijoux described it as “the funniest thing I’ve read in ages.” It is that, but what makes it a little sad as well is the fact that poor old award-winning, New-York-Times writing, Columbia Graduate School attending Dave almost certainly fails to see the humor.