The Adventure of a Lifetime

A friend writes with this prescription for the Adventure of a Lifetime. (Note: Results may vary. Use at your own risk. No warranties stated or implied. Past performance is no guarantee of future returns. May lose principle.)

Ready? Here we go!

a. Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Iraq illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense.

b. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

c. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all food be cooked according to your special specifications in the hospital.

d. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. be printed in English.

e. Procreate abundantly.

f. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive behavior with, “It is a cultural thing; you wouldn’t understand.”

g. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your previous country’s national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.

h.. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise

i. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

j. Demand a local country driver’s license and welfare payments.

k. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimize your unauthorized, illegal, presence in Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Iraq.

l. Drive around with no insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

m. Insist that local country law enforcement teaches English to all its officers.

n. Organize protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You’ll soon be dead.

Of course none of this, as my interlocutor points out, could ever happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Iraq–or any other country in the world for that matter, except the UK, the United States, Canada, and Australia. Why? My friend’s reason–“because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to ‘offend’ anyone”–strikes me as just about right. Agree? Then pass it along to your friends. Disagree? When are you booking your flight for Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Iraq? Let me know when you leave and I’ll come to the airport to say goodbye.