Now That Baseball Is Fully Woke, It Needs New Rules

(AP Photo/Nati Harnik, File)

In a hot rage over Georgia’s much-misrepresented election integrity law, Major League Baseball is moving this year’s All-Star Game out of Atlanta, but that isn’t enough. In fact, it should be just the beginning. Now that MLB has made it clear that only those of a certain political perspective should be allowed to enjoy a baseball game, the rules of the venerable old National Pastime must be adjusted in light of new sensibilities. Commissioner Rob Manfred has already started this ball rolling with a raft of “baseball is boring, let’s hurry it up” rules, such as seven-inning doubleheaders and runners starting on second base in extra innings. Now he needs to finish the job, and administer the coup de grace to the Grand Old Game. Rob’s woke masters expect nothing less.


A few years ago, baseball streamlined the intentional walk by making it a matter of designation, without the pitcher having to go to the trouble of throwing four outside pitches, thus forever robbing the game of spectacles such as Rollie Fingers’ spectacular strikeout of Johnny Bench on a fake intentional walk ball four pitch in the 1972 World Series. Now that we have saved all that time, we can use some of it to determine whether the pitcher in a given game situation is a publicly known Trump supporter; in such a case, the batter (if he is woke, of course!) is immediately awarded a home run. If the umpire has reason to suspect that the pitcher, although he hasn’t said anything political in his life, is a closet Trump supporter, the batter will immediately be awarded first base.

It works both ways, of course. If the batter has a lower Social Credit score than the pitcher, that is, the batter is less woke, then he automatically strikes out, or, if the difference between them is not that great, then he is given one or two automatic strikes, as is deemed proper by the umpires.

In order to assure the fairness of this process, the umpires will all have to be people of color (especially recent immigrants), LGBT, or trans, or some combination of these. In case of any dispute within the umpiring staff, the views of those umpires who are trans lesbian black or brown people will take precedence.


That’s another thing. In the interests of racial equity, and to correct the monstrous injustices done to the black players of the Negro Leagues, every player of color (except, of course, known Trump supporters), as well as every gay, lesbian, and trans player who comes up to bat will be allowed four strikes before being called out; every oppressive white male player will have to skulk back to the bench after only two strikes.

In the field, players of color and trans players, as well as differently abled outfielders, will no longer have to catch the ball, as running toward the ball from a great distance and catching it only reinforces heteronormative stereotypes that cut against body positivity and border on outright fat shaming. If a white oppressor hits a ball near a morbidly obese or wheelchair-bound outfielder, the batter will be called out automatically. How near is near enough? That will be the judgment of the umpires: if the batter is not sufficiently enthused about hectoring five-year-old boys into thinking they’re girls, hitting a ball within five feet of an outfielder is enough to get called out. If the batter is a known Trump voter, ten feet.

What if the obese or wheelchair-riding LGBTQ outfielder is a Trump supporter? That’s where it gets really complicated. Special tribunals will have to be set up to determine which player is more woke than the other in every situation, and thus which one will be enabled to succeed and which doomed to fail.


This is not a joke, or a Modest Proposal-type column. I’m dead serious, and Major League Baseball should be on notice that if it doesn’t adopt these rules and others like them immediately, it faces cancellation as racist, sexist, cisnormative, body negative, and worse. With their All-Star Game decision, Rob Manfred and the other MLB top dogs have introduced politics into baseball, and made it clear that only people of only one political perspective are invited to enjoy the sport. All right. Now follow through, Rob, and strip baseball of all its archaic, right-wing idolization of excellence. Or face cancellation yourself, you racist, sexist, anti-gay, fat-shaming white oppressor.

Robert Spencer is the director of Jihad Watch and a Shillman Fellow at the David Horowitz Freedom Center. He is author of 21 books, including the New York Times bestsellers The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam (and the Crusades) and The Truth About Muhammad. His latest book is Rating America’s Presidents: An America-First Look at Who Is Best, Who Is Overrated, and Who Was An Absolute Disaster. Follow him on Twitter here. Like him on Facebook here.


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