News & Politics

TSA Says Mummified Heads Are A-OK for Carry-On

The Transportation Safety Administration may well be the most disliked government agency in history, and in a government that also contains the IRS, that’s saying something. Besides groping people for fun and profit, they also have managed to never catch a terrorist despite that being their primary function.

But there’s good news. While yes, a woman’s gun-themed high heels will be confiscated, you don’t need to worry about your mummified heads:

Somebody in the TSA’s social networking team had a little fun this week, informing the world that yes, you can carry a mummified head on board a plane as a piece of carry-on luggage. Asked whether the preserved noggin of a British philosopher is okay to go, the TSA instagram replied: “Jeremy Bentham’s mummified head is allowed in carry-on as long as it’s properly packaged, labeled, and declared.”

It should be mentioned that, for some reason, the AskTSA Instagram account has suddenly disappeared.

Besides the aforementioned shoes, over the years the TSA has confiscated a “fart blaster” toy, a Buzz Lightyear “flip grip” toy because it kinda sorta resembled a weapon, and even a battery pack because it looked dangerous.

However, mummified heads are just fine, so long as you let security know you’re carrying some dude’s head next to your spare underwear and toothbrush (which should be packaged separately).

Apparently, since no terrorist has thus far tried to use a person’s head — and they know how to take someone’s head from the rest of their body — to take down a plane, you’re good to go. Americans can sleep safely tonight.

Meanwhile, we’ll try to forget what an abject failure the TSA is at their stated reason for existence. Just kidding — even if we wanted to, it’s unlikely we could do any such thing.

In fact, more pilots have stopped terrorists than the TSA. Think about that sad fact for a moment.