It’s finally over. The quadrennial orgy of emotion and hyperbole featuring celebrities, the mainstream media, and Democratic politicians wrapped up last night and many of us have been giving ourselves Silkwood showers since then simply because we had to hear about it.
The inevitable conclusion to what the Democrats just spent seven months pretending was a political contest that involved voters was finally upon a
weary breathless constituency and they just couldn’t contain themselves. Swathed in cottony white pantsuit goodness, Her Most Glorious Madameship emerged from wherever she’s kept during daylight hours and either gave a moving speech or stiffly meandered through a word salad whipped up by others to make her seem less scary, depending on which end of the reality spectrum you occupy.
Twitter came alive like it hadn’t since, gosh, the night before, and the rush was on for celebrities to gain a position of prominence in the first cult of personality built around a personality who is almost completely devoid of — you guessed it — personality.
Billy Eichner from Parks and Recreation actually set the tone on Wednesday night after The Lightbringer’s speech:
Love wins. pic.twitter.com/AbGGDbdFAz
— billy eichner (@billyeichner) July 28, 2016
If we were playing “caption this” I’d have had a thought bubble coming from the president’s head that said, “I’d rather be hugging Biden.” Now let’s see what the kids were up to last night. Next Page: Importantly important things.
1. Dig if You Will a Word Picture…
Men: try to imagine how you’d feel right now if this was the first time in this nation’s history that a man accepted presidential nomination — Molly Knight (@molly_knight) July 29, 2016
All right, I took a moment, tried that, and immediately thought, “Really? This idiot?!?!?”
2. A Tweet About Nothing
— Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) July 29, 2016
Hillary peered into Julia’s mind, found very little, and had just the thing for it. Perfect. It’s wonderful to see a candidate saying exactly what the audience wants to hear. There just isn’t enough of that in American politics.
3. They Kept Showing Me Pictures of Vince Foster
“Bernie Sanders, you’ve just sold your soul, disappointed millions of supporters, and left the Democratic party. What are you going to do now?”
“DISNEYLAND WAS BUILT ON THE BACKS OF TALKING ANIMALS WHO AREN’T BEING PAID THEIR FAIR SHARE.”
Next Page: Feelings, nothing more than feelings.
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) July 29, 2016
Herstory. Get it?!?!? It’s like history but with more places to buy clothes at the mall. Also maybe a dude in a dress in your restroom because SHUT UP BIGOT.
5. History Makes Me Feel Filthy
If you’ve ever watched “Scandal” you know that the one thing Kerry Washington can do is cry. And I do mean “the one thing.”
6. Does Huma Know About This?
“America is great because America is good.” I fell in love with @HillaryClinton all over again.
— Julianne Moore (@_juliannemoore) July 29, 2016
That’s why I stopped paraphrasing de Tocqueville altogether: vapid liberal women kept falling in love with me. Next Page: Cher and Cher alike.
7: “Translator Wanted-Must Be Fluent In CAPS LOCK”
EXCITED 2WORK 4HERHAVE WORKED 52YRS 2MAKE PPL THRILLED,FEEL,SING,SEEM FRIENDS W/EVERY PERSON IN EVERY ARENA.WANT 2BRIING PPL 2GETHER 4HER — Cher (@cher) July 29, 2016
If you are going to try to have your finger on the pulse of the American electorate, make sure you don’t accidentally prick it with a Botox needle first.
8. Emojito Ergo Sum
— Elizabeth Banks (@ElizabethBanks) July 29, 2016
Admit it, if you glance at it quickly, the first emoji after #History looks like someone throwing up blood. Exactly.
She was undecided until her computer spoke to her again. Done. Same way she ended up salsa dancing with the ShamWow! guy in Baja a couple of weeks ago.
10. Please Don’t Let Anybody Say “Benghazi” Right Now
— Arianna Huffington (@ariannahuff) July 29, 2016
11. She’s Blinding Them With Science
“I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE” is my new favorite t-shirt. See ya, “I LIKE TURTLES”!! — josh groban (@joshgroban) July 29, 2016
“For a $50 donation to PBS, we’ll send you the entire Josh Groban Sick Burn tweet collection Bedazzled on a Tijuana donkey show serape.”
Next Page: Hold Me
12. I Can Haz Talking Points
— Patricia Arquette (@PattyArquette) July 29, 2016
Just when we were all feeling united…someone had to conjure up the image of Hillary Clinton in a Wonder Woman costume. WHAT CAN SCIENCE DO TO SAVE US NOW?!?!?
13. Just A Few Mushrooms Officer, Why?
“OMG BILL CLINTON IS TOTALLY TOUCHING LATEX THAT WAS THE FIRST THING I EVER TOLD MY THERAPIST WHERE IS THE CAT”
14. No Spontaneity Was Harmed in the Staging of This Tweet
— ashley judd (@AshleyJudd) July 29, 2016
Smiling while hugging things she didn’t have to pay for.
Is there a better way to sum up the DNC?