News & Politics

Hillary Wants You to Know She Binge-Drinks on the Job

(AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Hillary Clinton wants you to know that she’s just regular folk. That’s right, she’s like any other adult who, while representing her state and her country on government business, during a taxpayer-funded trip, engages in an alcoholic binge-drinking competition. Who hasn’t?

I’m not unearthing dirt to smear the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, who hopes to command the world’s most powerful military, tickle the nuclear trigger, and become the global face of these United States of America.

I’m merely passing along Hillary Clinton’s latest campaign video [see below], in which an off-camera woman asks if Madame Secretary has “ever won a drinking competition.”

She laughs, with that endearing husky tone so familiar to hard-drinking chain-smokers, as she brags of her vodka-shots showdown with fellow Sen. John McCain. Furthermore, Mrs. Clinton assures an American public concerned about a stagnant economy and the threat of terrorism that the McCain-Rodham throwdown was not the only time she chugged copious quantities of non-prescription ethanol depressants to see who could knock back the most before blacking out or puking.

It is, however, in her words, the “most famous” episode.

Ah, let the renown of such fame ring from every ivied hall of academe, as an example for the women who should “deserve to be believed” when they allege sexual assault. Let it resonate from the blacktop of every urban elementary schoolyard for the children looking to escape the generational curse of poverty.

Before you judge, ask yourself: Who among us has not made a sport of alcohol poisoning while on “a Congressional delegation” in response to a colleague’s dare? Look in the mirror, my friend. You’ve almost certainly engaged in amateur competitive intoxication with a work colleague, and then bragged about it during a job interview in hopes of becoming CEO of that same organization.

Keep in mind, Hillary Clinton’s campaign WANTS you to know this. Therefore, it’s a positive feature of her candidacy, not a liability.

Perhaps it’s a bold attempt to identify Hillary with the middle-aged, binge-drinking base, most of whom are in residential treatment facilities, divorce court, or otherwise working toward becoming the subject of awkward eulogies by long-suffering family and friends. Or maybe she’s angling to ingratiate herself with America’s youth, who, she believes, are eager to elect the first woman president who can reenact the famous scene from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” where Marion successfully goes jigger-to-jigger with a Nepalese bullmoose — a woman chief executive who can finally break the glass ceiling and join the Wolf Pack for “The Hangover Part IV.”

However, her specific identification of “vodka” as the lubricant tips the hand of the woman who loves to bend the elbow. Doubtless she just wants us to know that she can go kneecap-to-kneecap with Russian President Vladimir Putin — on his turf with his sauce — and leave him worshiping at the altar of the porcelain goddess, as she rises with dignity from her seat in the Oval Office, behind the Dissolute Desk.

“You wanna piece of this, Donald Trump?” she fairly bellows. “Line ‘em up!”