News & Politics

How Fauci the Grinch Stole Christmas

How Fauci the Grinch Stole Christmas
(AP Photo/Warner Bros.)

Every American liked Christmas a lot.

But Fauci the Grinch who lived in D.C. did not.

Fauci hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season. No one knows why.

It may be that his shoes were too tight or perhaps his head wasn’t screwed on right.


But if you ask most of us, the most likely reason of all was that his brain was just two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, Fauci stood there on Christmas Eve hating the coming holiday. He knew that people would be hanging their stockings by the chimney and preparing for the visit by aunty and uncle, and cousin Billy and Barbara, and Grandpa Abraham, and Mr. MacGillicuddy who always showed up without an invitation.

So Fauci thought and he thought and he thought on it some more. He thought till his thinker was sore.

And then, Fauci got an idea. He got a wonderful idea. He got a wonderful, awful idea.

“I know how to keep Christmas from coming,” said Fauci. “I will make a declaration that Christmas is unsafe! I will say that there is nothing on earth — no vaccine, no booster shot, not even a magical incantation that will protect people if they travel on Christmas.”

The Hill:

White House chief medical adviser Anthony Fauci said large gatherings this holiday season are not safe from the coronavirus, even for those fully vaccinated with a booster shot.

During a White House COVID-19 task force news briefing on Wednesday, the head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases urged Americans to “stay away” from large gatherings, which he defined as 30 to 50 people.

“Those are the kind of functions — in the context of COVID, and particularly in the context of omicron — that you do not want to go to,” Fauci said.


Fauci made his announcement and cackled and cackled and cackled some more. He cackled till his cackler was well good and sore.

“Watch as these silly people weep and wail about their “lost Christmas,” he said. “I have stopped Christmas dead in its tracks,” he exclaimed. “Dead, dead, dead.”

No over the river and through the woods for Americans this year. People are to stay home and hunker down, avoiding each other as if one breath from granny could kill them.

Fauci was proud of what he did. He wanted to hear the weeping and wailing of people when they realized Christmas wasn’t coming.

“Pooh-pooh to the Americans” he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“The all the Americans down in America-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”

But then he heard it. The roar of a jet engine screaming overhead. And the cars, the cars, the cars, the cars were everywhere carrying aunty and uncle and cousin Billy and Barbara, and Grandpa Abraham, and Mr. MacGillicuddy who always showed up without an invitation.


They were coming anyway. And Fauci couldn’t do anything about it.

Fauci was amazed. NO ONE WAS LISTENING TO HIM. Despite his warnings of imminent disaster if people traveled, they came. They came by their ones and twos, they came by their threes and fours.

They came by train, by bus, by plane, and by car, They came by sleighs pulled by eight reindeer.

And no one was surprised that Fauci could never, ever figure it out.

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