News & Politics

Gag Alert: PETA Puts Pasty Vegans with Carrot Schlongs in Sexual Stamina Video

In what seems like an effort to compete with Gillette for the worst ad campaign ever, PETA is attacking masculinity in their own way and claiming that pasty, unattractive vegans who vaguely resemble males are what women really want in the bedroom. WARNING: If you watch this, there is a good chance that you will not be able to participate in or enjoy sex for a very long time. Eye bleach recommended.

The thing that kept going through my mind while watching this was, does it really matter if these dudes have sexual stamina? Who wants to sleep with them? Seriously. This guy?

If I see this coming at me, I’m grabbing the pepper spray and getting ready to run for my life. There is literally nothing about this person that screams “sex” (although I imagine sex with him involves a lot of screaming). No disrespect to this poor actor… could they have made him look worse? I bet in real life when he isn’t wearing a sassy headband and strapped with a carrot schlong he’s okay. Shave him, give him a decent haircut and put him in a suit, for God’s sake! No woman alive puts “sweaty, fish-belly white, unkempt, psycho-stare, weirdo” on her most wanted list. Add that to the aggressive hip thrusting with frightening phallus vegetables attached to his nethers and this video is every woman’s nightmare of the worst date she ever had. Everything about this screams “CALL 911!” What the heck is their point?

Traditional masculinity (i.e., handsome, strong, sexy men) is dead and this is what we’re left with? Please don’t bother me right now. I’m too overwhelmed with grief for my daughters. I’m beginning to think that millennials hate themselves as much as they hate gluten. Why would you intentionally elevate these hopeless Gamma males, who probably couldn’t open a pickle jar let alone produce working sperm? This is gag-inducing. It’s ruined my entire day. It is the equivalent of Victoria’s Secret putting obese women on the runway and trying to force men to like it.

There is a war on traditional beauty and masculinity and it isn’t going to end any time soon. It’s almost as if there is a concerted effort to sicken us to normal heterosexual behavior. I don’t know about you, but I feel ill. Luckily I know that real men still exist. Pajama boys may be “in style” at the moment for the SJW crowd, but if they ever get caught in a fire, I doubt they’ll be calling on cadaverous tennis boys to save them. They’re going to call these guys.

The men that our culture purveyors keep insulting and downgrading are the very same men that leap into harm’s way, risking everything to save those in distress. How dare they? Heroes exist and most of them are men. (Yes, I said that and I mean it. You won’t see many women running into a rushing river to save babies. We’re usually on the sidelines screaming.)

I’m so sick of this batsh*t crazy culture and so are a lot of others. I hope Gillette never recovers from the hit they are taking after their attack on masculinity, and while PETA isn’t really taken seriously by anyone (especially after killing baby animals in a dirty van ) let’s hope this current game of “aren’t men gross?” will keep them in the waste bin of irrelevance forever.

To all the masculine men out there, I love you and appreciate you and encourage you to continue being true to yourself in complete rebellion to this onslaught of insane nutters who (let’s be honest) cannot possibly be getting any action other than their favorite internet porn. The women of America still want to bed real men, no matter what kind of politically correct tripe they might say on Twitter. I have proof.

And for the ladies out there, here’s a palate cleanser, because that was excruciating.