News & Politics

Screeching Harpies Vow 'No Sex!' Unless Men Vote for Democrats

Since scratching and beating on the doors of the Supreme Court had zero effect on keeping Justice Brett Kavanaugh off the court, the ladies of the left have decided to go with a new tactic: a sex strike! That’s right, fellas, you’re all out of luck with the #Resist girls. Author Wednesday Martin has penned an essay at CNN called “What if Women Went On a Sex Strike Before the Midterms?”

It’s time for a revolution. At the polls, and in the bedroom. And in our understanding of who women are, sexually and otherwise. Given the tight interweaving of economic and political power with sexual entitlement, female sexual autonomy has never been more urgent, and women’s sexual pleasure has never been more political. Let’s consider what it might mean to go on a sex strike of sorts — to get what we want, rather than give what we think we owe others.

It seems the Democrats have finally got their bumper sticker for 2018: “Zero F*cks for Anyone. #Resist”

What’s revolutionary about women using sex to get what they want? And worse, aren’t feminists supposed to reject femininity and female wiles in favor of more equal ways of advancing? I’m confused. Didn’t we just have a whole #MeToo campaign against the casting couch? A female willing to trade sexual favors in exchange for stuff is exactly the kind of girl Harvey Weinstein was looking for.

A women’s sex strike against service sex, a refusal to do it out of a sense of obligation, would force us to confront these basic inequalities. Our current administration has amped up the notion that women are mere extensions of male will and pleasure, there to serve at every turn…What are the President’s insults to Stormy Daniels other than assertions that the woman who enjoys sex or profits from it in any way — emotionally, financially, or physically — is unnatural, immoral, and unattractive? In this world order, female sexual autonomy is not only dangerous and destabilizing; it is increasingly hard to imagine. And female pleasure is irrelevant, even pathological, if it exists at all.

I’m pretty sure the president’s insult of Stormy Daniels had less to do with how much she likes sex (yeah, we know) and more to do with her hideous character and willingness to attack his family for money. She’s also not attractive, and most people don’t believe he’d cheat on Melania (the most beautiful woman on earth) with a horse-faced tramp who hired one of the most crooked lawyers on earth.*

In the ancient Greek comedy by Aristophanes, the character Lysistrata urges women to go on a sex strike to get men on both sides to end the Peloponnesian War. In our case, a sex strike against service sex can be a powerful statement — that female desire, a metric of agency like women’s votes, will be heard.

Am I the only one who knows that Lysistrata was a comedy performed by all men? They were mocking women, not making some big statement about women’s power and rights. Why is everyone so dumb? I didn’t even graduate college and this woman has a doctorate from Yale? (Note to parents: do NOT waste your money on the Ivy League!) 

Fellas, if you’re feeling nervous that this idea might catch on, the #Resist ladies were good enough to put together one last sexy campaign to show you what you’re missing. Take a good look, because that’s all you’re going to get!

I know it’s going to be rough. I mean, these ladies are something else!

I’m sure by now you guys are worked up into a lather that cannot be quenched without some of this #Resist lovin’! Am I right?

Before the sex strike begins though, these ladies wanted to make sure you saw what you are missing! It appears that Mark Dice is so overwrought that he can’t eat.

Wow, these photos really make me want to get out there and buy more clothes on my way to vote for Republicans who keep their clothes on.

If you’re feeling despondent, cheer up, guys! There are plenty of #MAGA girls out there. And I daresay they’re a little easier on the eyes.

And now a palate cleanser… you’re welcome.

*Except Gloria Allred and her dead-eyed daughter.