News & Politics

Move Over Vagina, Make Room for the Trans-Inclusive 'Front Hole'

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In the “not enough mind bleach in the world to blot out what I just read” category of the week, Healthline has decided that the word “vagina” is too triggering for trans people and so they will now use the term “front hole” in their sex education materials. No, really. Please keep in mind that these are the same people who for years have told us that toddlers need anatomically correct vocabularies in order to be properly aware of body parts, lest they become victims of sexual abuse.

But now, we are going to stop calling a vagina a vagina and call it a “front hole.” One wonders how the “Front Hole Monologue” ticket sales will go. Costume manufacturers everywhere are updating their protest gear to “Front Hole Costumes” and “Front Hole Hats,” and woke bakers everywhere are working on new “Front Hole Cupcakes” to sell at the next #Resist extravaganza.

In case you were wondering, Healthline went into great, confusing detail about why such a LGBTQWTF-sensitive sex education guide is needed. The enlightened staff at Healthline say that the scientifically accurate old sex ed guides “unnecessarily gender body parts as being ‘male parts’ and ‘female parts’ and refer to ‘sex with women’ or ‘sex with men,’ excluding those who identify as nonbinary.” Don’t ask me what “nonbinary” is. I still can’t tell you even after studying these people for the last several years. But they’re not finished yet!

And as a result, the notion that a penis is exclusively a male body part and a vulva is exclusively a female body part is inaccurate. By using the word “parts” to talk about genitals and using medical terms for anatomy without attaching a gender to it, we become much more able to effectively discuss safe sex in a way that’s clear and inclusive.

Clear? CLEAR? BAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

For the purposes of this [supposedly educational] guide, we’ll refer to the vagina as the ‘front hole’ instead of solely using the medical term ‘vagina.’ This is gender-inclusive language that’s considerate of the fact that some trans people don’t identify with the labels the medical community attaches to their genitals.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph help us! Women are now reduced to holes. Could the degradation get worse? One glaring error that’s problematic here is that the mouth could also be considered a hole and it resides on the “front” too. So in an effort to be “inclusive” in a sex education guide, these idiots have now created a confusing scenario where no one will know whether they are talking about the vagina or the mouth during their graphic “education.” (As if public school students need more things to confuse them after that Common Core and new math debacle.) Yet, reading through the guide, they don’t even follow their own new rule!

“Penetrative sex, also known as intercourse, is the act of inserting a body part or toy inside someone’s front hole, vagina, or anus.” Wait, wait, wait. I thought we weren’t using vagina in this guide? So what the hell is a front hole? They can’t even get their own word-swapping right! (Let’s ignore for a moment that intercourse is not sticking your front pole into any hole available. The state of sex education has clearly gone off the rails.)

Is this the type of “education” you want your kids getting in school? Can they all do algebra? That’s really my question. Maybe we should nail algebra before nailing front holes.